TOO MUCH NATURE!!!

Let's start at the beginning. 

I don't do outside. This garden venture is a complete stretch for me. I do not like outside or all things that live outside. Nope. Not interested. 

Several months ago Tami came to the house. When she does, she parks her car on the street. She comes in an says "hey, did you know there's a snake skin next to where your trash is?" 

Ummm......what?

My Beloved says it's no big deal, it's just the skin, it doesn't look poisonous. 

I freak out. We're under attack. Obviously. 

A week later he says he has to tell me something that's been bothering him. He actually found the snake skin in the garage, not next to the house. "So we're emptying the garage this weekend and covering it in Snake Away, right?!" He knew at the time of finding the skin that we would be unable to completely empty the garage due to some work commitments so he hesitated in telling me.

We spent the next day cleaning the garage. 

Now, fast forward to a few weeks ago. We mentioned needing to put out more Snake Away now that the weather was getting warmer. No big deal, it's an easy weekend chore.

Only I wake up to take Alice to school one morning and the garage smells like a moth ball convention. SNAKE AWAY!!!!

Now I'm in a conundrum. Do I risk entering the garage?! Is it in my car's AIR VENTS!?! (All this stuff happens almost immediately after some crazy news story bounces around social media. Every. Time.)

This is how I handled that conversation:

Notice it took him 10 minutes to respond. We've had a discussion on how much time should go between text responses, especially those relating to dangerous beasts. 

We again checked the garage - no snake. 

And that brings us to today.

Mid morning the birds in our backyard start going berserk. No big deal, this happens a lot, it probably means there is a hawk near by. I walk to the back window and notice two Blue Jays on the fence fussing at something. I look down and see a huge snake moving around a stack of landscaping rocks we have along the fence line. And it looks rather annoyed with the birds. The birds are persistent and the HUGE SNAKE wiggles toward the garage side of our house. 

Side note - I feel like I owe the Blue Jays some bird food. They are WAY more helpful in protecting our backyard than our dog.

Per usual, I text my Beloved. 

He immediately calls and asks the size and color and 'where did it go' questions.

Ummm, no sir. I'm not stepping A FOOT outside! That is NOT my life!! Nope. There could be more! It could be like the plane! SNAKES FALLING FROM THE SKY!!! NOPE!! Everything outside is DEAD TO ME!!! Sorry, garden! You're on your own!!! 

"It went up the side of the house! I don't know where it is!! WE'RE ON LOCK DOWN!! THE HOUSE IS UNDER SIEGE!!!! We're not leaving until it has been proven that it's no longer a threat. And you have to YouTube how to check my car for snakes in the air vents! IT COULD HAVE EATEN THE BABY!!!!" 

God bless my poor Beloved. 

I told him it was big. And brown. And alive. I thought it might be like, 3 feet? I didn't want to say too big because I tend to exaggerate. Whatever.

So he gets home and starts hunting. 

I'm in the front room and Alice comes running. "Momma!! Dada needs you in the garage!"

BINGO!!

Killing the thing was quite comical, snakes don't die easily. A shovel and a scrapper of some sort was used. It started out in a bad spot so getting a good angle of its evil little head was mostly impossibly. Add on Daniel had to balance a stack of boards on his knee the entire time adding to the challenge. 

He manages to get it in a better position, however, then the snake's "flight or fight" instincts kicked in and it started climbing the wall. 

Literally, climbing up the wall. WHY, GOD, WHY???!!!

This all happens on the side of the garage where EVERYTHING is located because life. 

My Beloved eventually knocks the boards out of the way and drags the snake to the driveway. 

The shovel still isn't quite cutting it. Literally. 

So while holding the snake down in the heat, my Beloved asked me to bring him a knife from the bottom drawer of this tool box. "Oh, the bottom drawer, is that where it keeps it's babies, you think?" Him "there aren't any babies." Uh huh. 

Seriously, I attempted to help! I offered no less than 4 times to run to Walmart to buy a gun! 

And of course all of the neighbors arrive home to find my husband beheading a beast on our driveway. We're *those* neighbors.


We also got to have a fun conversation with Alice about the nervous system of snakes. Blessed life lessons. 

It didn't have fangs so Daniel is pretty sure it was just a really large Rat Snake.

Panic mode again.

"DOES THAT MEANT WE HAVE RATS?!?!??!"

Ya'll, this is the WRONG time to be on meds that prohibit me from drinking alcohol. 

THE. WRONG. TIME. 

Until next time.....

Adventures in Gardening

I want to want to garden. We've discussed this before. I'm not sure when but I know we have. I love the idea of growing our own food, only I don't like outside. And I want it to be easy.

We have big garden plans for our backyard but there is still some work that needs to be done. A few weeks ago, my grandmother gifted Alice with a teeny tiny garden tool set in its own little 'purse'. She LOVES it. She also LOVES outside. 

So Dada got us a starter garden. The original garden has 1 squash plant, 1 zucchini plant, oregano, and lots of green onions. Alice was SO excited to get to play in the dirt (Lord, be with me.) 

Since then, we've added a container of chives, basil, and thyme. 

When we were out at the livestock show a few weeks ago, she planted three little sunflower seeds that never grew. So while she was at school I replaced them with new seeds. 

And that's our little container garden! 

After we planted our first plants I told my Beloved I was ready to go off the grid except for cable and wifi and indoor plumbing and electricity. He told me he wasn't sure I knew what that meant. I asked if there was an off-off-off the grid, like off-off-off broadway. An 'off-the-grid-light' if you will. He said 'no'. So we're staying plugged in for now. ;)

The morning after we planted our plants I asked my Beloved if we had a squash yet. He told me I might lose my gardening privileges. 

Since I planted my own plants I figured I could make my own bug repellent for said plants. I found a recipe on pinterest and bought a spray bottle and went to work! It was SUPER easy to make! I ran out to spray the garden only the spray bottle wouldn't work. My blood pressure started rising. 

I came in and found a different bottle and trotted back outside. This one didn't work either so I threw it at a tree. Don't worry - this tantrum was done while Alice was in school so she was none the wiser. 

Last week the weather people kept insisting we were going to have horrible, horrible windy rain and I was so very nervous our new plants would drown or be blown away! I moved them to the porch only to have no bad weather. So I put them back in the sun. 

We left for the weekend and when we checked on the plants when we got home, we noticed something had been in the sunflowers. We figured it was a squirrel and now that Atticus was home that wouldn't be a problem. We had one little green flower! ALICE WAS SO EXCITED!!!

This morning my Beloved walked out to check and came back saying we now had 3! YAY!! 

I watched the squirrel all morning. He ran around the tree and even climbed all over the seesaw. I yelled for Atticus to come scare it off. The dog runs into the living room looking around like 'where is the dropped food?'. I tell him to go outside - the squirrel is sitting on the seesaw - he steps out the door, smells the air, and then scratches to get back in. 

Stupid dog.

A few minutes go by and the squirrel is back! I yell for Atticus again only now he knows it's not food related so he's pretending not to hear me. This drives me BANANAS!! 

I open the door and yell at the stupid creature myself.

(Side rant - I dream of a day when the beings in my house that are smaller than me will listen without fail. What a glorious, glorious day that will be!)

We run to the store and after we get back, I head out to check on our sunflower sprouts!

ONLY THEY'RE NOT THERE!!!! 

Stupid, stupid, stupid squirrel. 

I'm ranting and raving and yelling at all the furry animals within earshot. I'm yelling at the dog to get the squirrel and he's like, 'where is The Man?' 

Seriously. Shouldn't his instincts be better than that?! U need to send him off to some dog survival school so he relearns how to be a dog! 

So now I'm googling squirrel deterrents on the Internet. I've planted new seeds, relocated the plant, and now everything is covered in cayenne pepper. EVERYTHING! 

TAKE THAT, CRITTER!!! 

Here's hoping this works. 

This garden is no good for my blood pressure. 

;)

Until next time.....