A Leaky Dam

We've had a rough week. Mainly this is because Alice thinks eating the same food she's been eating for the past month is stupid; so instead she just buttons her lips and shakes her head. Feedings have turned in to a nightmare. And she's managed to mess up her schedule pretty impressively and that has caused nap time to be a complete disaster as well. 

Momma is spent. 

S.P.E.N.T.

So Momma had some wine (only two glasses). And when Momma has some wine - Momma has a tendency to get weepy. This is the Dadda's fault, by the way - he bought the wine. ;) (And don't worry, Mamaw. This is not an every night occasion. I haven't had anything to drink in weeks and this isn't going to become a problem. I promise.)

When I drink the wine, I think about my Dad.

And I can't help but be totally heartbroken he isn't her to see her. It's a physical pain that sneaks up and hits me in the chest like it was yesterday. 

My heart physically hurts. 

Mostly I selfishly blame him. If he had been home, this wouldn't be the case. 

And then I feel guilty. It wasn't his choice to leave us. 

And when I get emotionally overrun, I feel bad because after 14 years, shouldn't I be over it by now? 

No. 

Because I will never get over it. 

And it will always hurt. ALWAYS.

Every milestone. Every event. Every anything important will always be a little bit sad. Always. 

And that's mine to deal with. 

Tomorrow it might hurt less. And the next day, a little less.

And then eventually the dam will break again. 

It always does.

He would have loved her. Spoiled her rotten! And loved her like crazy.

The dam is leaking tonight. 

Until next time......