The head, the heart and Santa

Alice's head is telling her all the things her heart doesn't want to hear. 

We knew this was coming. We understood that by fostering this kind of childhood 'magic' we would one day have to answer for it. We made no plans - we decided to handle it when it was time as the questions came up. 

That was foolishness. Let this be a warning to all new parents - RIP the heads off all mythical, magical beings at the same time. Just completely break their heart at one time instead of a slow, continuous break the span of 4 years. 

She's a trisky child and asks these heavy, life-shattering questions when we're compromised and our brains are tired so we answer without thought to deceive preserve the magic of belief.

And she KNOWS. I know she knows but the asking is part of our penance.  

First it was the Fairy. One day over the summer while I was working, she walks into my office and asks "Mom, are fairies real?" Me, distracted, responded with "no." Her "then what about my fairy door!??" Me after a long pause....."okay, I can't think about how to answer this right now, let's revisit it later." 

Then it was the Easter Bunny. Late one night something was being talked about and then she stared us down and asked if the Easter Bunny was real. I took a breath and told the truth. We argued about where the Easter presents came from. She said, "okay, the Easter Bunny isn't real" and we thought we were done. A few days later she said "I wonder what the Easter Bunny is going to bring me this year!" I told her we talked about this and there was no Easter Bunny. To which she responded with "yeah, I know. But he's still going to bring me something." We go over this every Easter even if I've let her pick out what goes in her own Easter basket.

Months later we were playing on the floor of her room when her Dada states "that's because the Tooth Fairy isn't real." My eyebrows jumped to my hairline and Alice's jaw dropped down to her chest. Him "was that not one we went over already?" This was exceptionally entertaining because we got to go over all the times her 'Tooth Fairy' forgot. 

She usually follows up these kinds of chats with "what about Santa!?" and I look at her with all the gentleness I can muster and say "do you want the truth or do you want to sit with it a bit longer?" and she says with devastating seriousness "I want to sit with it" so we move on.

I think her head is getting louder than her heart and all this growing up is unsettling to her. 

The other night while I was taking a shower she wanders into the bathroom with all the Santa questions. 

"Mom, is Santa real?"

Me "do you want to truth?"

Her "no."

After some quiet thinking, "if he's not real, then how does the elf move?"

Me, from the shower "what does your head tell you?"

Her, after a pause "that someone else in the house moves it."

Another pause, "mom, what if kids at school talk about Santa?"

Me "it's probably not going to be what you want to hear."

I peek around the shower curtain and say "when we do finally talk about Santa and it's what you fear it to be, we can still keep the magic for Kayden and Sawyer. We can always make magic." 

By this time I'm crying, obviously. 

Then she circles back to "so, how does the elf move if there is no Santa?"

Me, at the point of enough...."I'm not sure I want to answer that while I'm shaving my legs in the shower. Maybe you should go ask your Dad."

She didn't because it's usually me she wants to trigger into a sobbing mess. 

We'll talk about it again, of this I am SURE.

And my heart tells me she will adjust because the magic will change and SHE will get to move the elf. And I guarantee her elf will do A LOT more than our elf did. 

For now, we'll let her ask the questions she already knows the answers to because holding on to every ounce of her childhood seems to be what she NEEDS right now. She'll accept it eventually but for now, we're going let her heart hold on. 

One day it will come up and I will ask her "do you want the truth or do you want to sit on it for a bit more?" and she will say she wants the truth even though she's known it all along. 

Spoiler alert - I will sob then too. 

Until next time.....