I'm a crier. I have been all my life. And I did really well while I was pregnant but my body is all kinds of confused and my hormones are going BANANAS! My poor, poor Beloved. I have all sorts of feelings and they run from hot to cold in a heartbeat.
I have guilt that I'm broken and I couldn't carry her to term. Then I have guilt because some women can't even get pregnant and here I am feeling bad I had her early. Or some women deliver too early and things don't end well. I have guilt I'm not up at the NICU 24 hours a day. I have guilt because I can't seem to do anything normal even though I pretend we did everything right.
I'm thankful that in spite of all my medical issues - she's doing REALLY well and seems to be unaffected by my medical emergency. I'm thankful she's where she is and getting the care she's getting. We delivered at Mom's hospital and that's where she is so she has a slew of nurse friends that visit her daily. ;) Mom gets daily text reports on little Alice. I'm thankful I'm healing.
I feel loss that things I planned are all screwy now. Sick leave is now complicated, I won't get traditional maternity pictures and our OB thinks it's wise to not try again. That one's pretty tough.
And it's selfish really - and then comes the guilt again.
I worry about having to use the Infant CPR class we're scheduled to take; I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that. I worry with us not up there 24 hours a day - she'll know and not be attached to us. I worry I'll never produce enough milk to keep her fed when she comes home.
Breastfeeding without a baby has been a challenge but it's going better and I've received lots of encouragement that has helped a lot. I just think my body had to adjust to not being pregnant.
It's still an adjustment. But I'm doing better! I didn't cry at all on Tuesday! ;) But I had a peach yesterday and remembered how she would kick when I ate peaches and cried the entire time I ate it. Hot mess.
We really are doing good and we're so thankful she's doing as well as she is. And while she has our heart - we're absolutely terrified at the idea of her coming home. She's SO TINY!! We don't know what to do with such a pocket child! My family has big babies! I weighed 9.6! So I'm at a loss when it comes to 2.6! Yeesh.
And to top off everything - I have cramps and my boobs hurt. Being a girl blows. ;)
Until next time....
1 comment:
Okay, take a moment to breath and I'll tell you a little secret. Being a parent is HARD. Especially in those first few months when everything in your world is topsy turvy. And yours is harder than usual. Okay, now you know ... now what?
Your hormones are crazy right now and it is totally normal for you to be a little bananas. Daniel understands this and loves you no matter what.
Try and let go of the guilt. Being a parent is FILLED with things to be guilty about. But giving in to the guilt will not help you in being the parent you want to be, so find a way to let it go. Feel it as much as you need to, then let it go and move on as best as you can. Kind of like mourning. You had a rough time of it and you did your best. You cannot change the past, but you try to make the best of the future now in front of you. You will look back on this time in two years and know that you did what you could do and that everything turned out okay. Accept that you may not do everything perfectly, but know that absolutely NO parent does and most of us turn out just fine anyway.
Things you planned are all screwy now ... and some of that sucks. But you have this fabulous little girl now, and that's pretty awesome! Substitute maternity pictures for newborn pictures. You will have awesome newborn shots and she'll be tee-niny and adorable. Buy some knitted hats from Etsy to take pics with ... way cuter than pregnancy shots!
Sick leave is complicated, let Daniel figure that out. And when the hospital bills come let him do that part too. Some of this is just going to suck, some of life always sucks. You've dealt with hard stuff before and you'll deal with this too. But now you have this beautiful little girl and the hard stuff just pales in comparison to that little gem.
It's not selfish to want what you want and it's not selfish to mourn that you can't have what you wanted and planned on having. Don't feel guilty, that is totally normal. Go ahead and have a good cry. You've lost some of the things that were really important to you. It happens. And after you've mourned, then you'll figure out what to do next and what you want going forward. No rush. There is lots of time for new wants and new plans.
I laughed at your peaches comment. Know that EVERY mother misses being pregnant. I still feel gas bubbles and miss his little kicks and squirms. All of that is totally normal and will probably last the rest of your life. You will always remember and treasure those times when you had her all to yourself. But know that she will always be a part of you and you will always be a part of her. (You will miss skin to skin when that stage is over too, cherish it while it lasts.)
Every parent is also terrified at bringing the baby home too. Totally normal. Think of it this way though, you have a few weeks to practice being a parent in the hospital before you have to take the training wheels off and do it by yourselves. Watch and learn all the nurse tricks and you'll be an expert in no time. She may be pocket sized now, but she's working on it and she'll catch up in no time.
And yep, cramps and aching boobs ... totally normal.
So, now what? You decide. Just don't forget to breath. And know that no matter what you, Daniel, and Alice are loved and cherished by many many many people.
Love you,
Great Aunt Kristl
Don't feel guilty if you don't want to publish this on the blog. It might make you look too "normal" ;).
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