Santa Shop Shenanigans

I accidentally ended up on the PTO board. They called me to see if I wanted to be on it, I asked for more information on the positions, I got a ballot with my name next to Secretary. And here we are. 

Every year the PTO hosts a Santa Shop. A company provides little gifts so kids can shop for their parents and loved ones on their own. It's mostly cheap trinkets but the kids have fun shopping. I do not usually get to help because it's during the school day and also it deals with handling money and that's not my thing. However, yesterday they needed someone last minute and I happened to have time so I got to help for an hour.

The hour was highly entertaining. 

I should note that I do not know how to speak to little kids. I talk to them all like little adults which is why Alice's sass game was ON POINT at 2 years old. For example, I called one of the little kids 'babe' yesterday. She said "babe?" with a look on her face the clearly said 'what is wrong with you?!' Girl, we don't have enough time to cover that.

The kids come in with an envelope of money that has a list of people to buy for and also the amount the envelope contains. The kids come down during their Specials time (music, PE) so they come in groups and it's like herding cats with lots of grabby hands and all the questions. And with the little ones - you have to read everything.

Here are the highlights....

Me: Hi! Who are you shopping for today?

Kid A: My mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma and me.

Me: Okay, who do you want to start with?

Kid A: me!

Me: Yeah, how about we start with mom?

***

Helping a little boy shop for his dad.

Him: I like this trophy, what does it say?

Me: It says #1 Brother. You're not shopping for a brother.

Him: That's fine, my daddy will like it.

***

I have one little girl hand me her envelope and tell me she has $20 so we proceed to spend that $20 only when we open her envelope at the check out - she has $3.25. We had to start all over. 

***

One little girl had a World's Greatest Grandpa magnet she said she was getting for her grandma. I told her they had one for grandma and we could switch it for that one. 

Her: no, I like this one better.

***

I was helping a set of twins shop for their loved ones and they were drifting towards a table with the higher priced items. 

Twin 1: ma'am, can I have this?

Me: No ma'am, it's over your budget.

Twin 1: what's a budget?

Me: girl, nobody knows....

***

One little girl picked up slime for her brother. As she was standing in line, she decided to put it back because her mom doesn't like slime. Bless her!

***

Another little girl bought a dog toy because she wants a dog and is trying to convince her mom to get her one. Her mom also wrote "just let her have fun" on the envelope which made me smile because that mom gets it.

***

I do not usually handle any kind of money transaction. I panic - EVERY TIME. P-A-N-I-C. But this was easy change so in theory it wasn't going to be a problem. I still asked the other adult in the room to check my change because math. She calmly told me just to count up like that makes any more sense to me. Nope. 

It was very entertaining and I hope all the parents have a wonderful sense of humor about what they get to open on Christmas morning. We did try...

Until next time.....

20 minutes to summer.....

First, a side story. 

Tami took Alice to Build-a-Bear a while back and for the past two months, she has been requesting to go back. We stress that Build-a-Bear is for special occasions like her birthday. 

This also means she has been attempting to make everything a special occasion. 
Not getting in trouble at school
Easter
Saturday
Mother's Day
Being sad for getting in trouble at school
Sunday
Every. Quiet. Moment. Of. Every. Day.

For months. 

Now for today's drama.....

Today was the last day of school and it ended at noon. 

The plan was to pick her up and meet Daddy for lunch.

I had 35 minutes between my work and having to pick her up. The plan was to quietly read in peace.

However.

At 11:42am Atticus starts barking up a storm at something in the backyard. I look out past the porch and can't see anything. "Fine! Go bark at nothing!" I open the porch and he immediately runs to the porch wall and proceeds to attack a small baby bird that has somehow ended up on our porch. I yell but the damage is done - he just did what dogs do. This is not his first time to catch a bird. He drops it right outside of the porch and it's gone so I take a shovel and throw it over the fence. I'm also close to tears because that poor baby bird. 

I'm standing on the porch as Atticus is running around the yard and I'm just heartbroken. 

I take a glance around and I notice a second little baby bird glaring at me from the bottom of the BBQ pit. 

It is now 11:47am. 

I wrangle the dog back inside and proceed to have a staring contest with the bird. I Marco Polo my mom and sister and the only thing I get back is my sister laughing in hysterics. I call my Beloved in a panic and he says he might could come home. I tell him I'm just going to leave it alone and see if it finds it's way off the porch before I get back.

We're still staring at each other through the door.

At 11:52am he decides to get brave and tries to fly - straight into the screen wall. 

I can tell it's a baby Blue Jay and I also know that Blue Jays are MEAN! So I would like the thing to find it's way out before the family comes to look for it only at 11:56am all of my fears come true Daddy bird shows up. 

Y'all.

I can't have the flock on the porch so I grab an oven mitt and head out the door. The plan was to pick him up and place him outside of the walls. 

What happened was I scared it into flying a bit and he made it to the porch door entrance. I flap until he is clear of the porch.

It is now 11:59am and my nerves are shot.

I pick up Alice and I'm still a bit frazzled. She asks me why and I proceed to fill her in on my misadventures with nature. 

She has only been at school for 4 hours and two of those hours were lunch and an ice cream party. I ask her if she's even hungry.

Alice: not really.
Me: well, you don't have to eat, you can just get a dessert if you like.
Alice: NO!! I want to eat!
Me: but you just said you weren't hungry!
Alice: I'm hungry for a Happy Meal!!
Me:.... I'm ill-prepared to handle this right now....
Alice: Did you just say Build-a-Bear?!

Yeesh.

We eat lunch, run an errand and return home. I go to make sure the bird has made it off the ground only to find it being fed by it's dad on the back porch. 

Hells bells, this cannot be their new home. 

Alice offers to hold Atticus inside, I put on my trusty oven mitt and head back out. I flap my hands until the silly bird is off the porch again. This time I stand there to make sure it doesn't end back up on the porch. 

He looks disgruntled and mostly disheveled.

He FINALLY decides I mean business about the porch eviction and starts to flap his wings towards the fence line. 

I have to get him out of the yard though because eventually Atticus is going to need to be in the backyard and it's going to be more sadness. I feel like having our dog take out 1/4 of the family is bad enough, I would rather him not claim half! So I kind of follow him down the fence line saying encouraging words until he squeezes himself through the chain-link fence. 

Bless it be.

He can't fly that high and I have no power to put him back in a nest I cannot see so he is going to have to make this work! He will need to be mindful of snakes and hawks and free-roaming cats. However, it won't be Atticus on his tail!! 

If this is the start of summer - one prayer tree might not do the trick. We will need the entire forest.

Until next time....

Field Trippin'

Today was our very first field trip ever. 

And it was......interesting.

We never went on field trips in school with the exception of 5th grade when they took us by bus to the Junior High to show us where we would be the next year. That's it. We went on field trips with our day care but never in school.

But these Kindergartners got to go to the Zoo!

To me a field trip means everyone rides the bus together and wears matching shirts and goes around as a class exploring.

Only that's not how her school does it. Nope.

For her field trip, the parents drive themselves, take their own kid plus one or two (who ride in on the bus) and visit the zoo at their own pace. And the teachers love it because Kindergarten parents love to attend a first field trip so the teachers get to walk around all by themselves. 

Alice comes home yesterday and tells me the name of the other girl in our group. I prepare for me plus 2. However, at the gathering this morning I am told that the other little girl's mom was able to come too so I only have Alice.

Basically, I am taking Alice to the Zoo on a school day with their permission. 

It is discussed in our gathering that all of the major roads into downtown Houston are currently closed so I asked Google Maps to help. Google Maps is outdated and failed me miserably and I ended up on the other side of Minute Maid Park going the wrong direction because an entire exit no longer exists and no one informed the Google. 

This makes me frazzled. My child will be the only one waiting for their way late parent.

I scream and lament and curse but I manage to make it to the Zoo before the kids. 

The zoo is PACKED! I'm pretty sure most other schools in the greater Houston area are ALL at the zoo (in matching shirts and walking in large groups by the way!)

Finally the bus arrives, I gather my child and we take off. 

My mother calls Alice "10-minute-Alice" because that is her attention span. Only at the zoo it's "10-second-Alice." If they built a zoo like they did airports with moving walkways through the exhibits - I think Alice would be a happy camper.

We are there from about 10am to 1pm and by 11am Alice is basically done.Her feet hurt,  it smells, she's tired, she hates snakes, she wants to pet EVERY SINGLE RANDOM PIGEON WE SEE and she HAS to have the stuffed Red Panda because she LOVES it the best. And also, it's hot. 

By noon, I am counting down the seconds. 

We make it to the meeting point with lots of time to spare - I was taking NO chances - and once all the children show up and they head towards the buses, I leave. 

The teachers mention that if we want, we can check our kids out early at the office.

NOPE!! You keep my child until 3:45pm, thankyouverymuch.

I call mom from the parking lot while I'm getting in to my car. As I am turning the wrong way on MacGregor, I glance over and see a very tall, VERY naked man walking towards the zoo. He is holding what looks like a small amount of clothing in his left hand and that's it. 

He looks like he was running to the zoo only all his clothes suddenly burst into flames and he had no other option than to waltz naked towards the zoo. I mean, when you want to see the elephants, you WANT TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS! 

My sister asked why he was naked like it's a totally normal reaction to roll down your window and ask a completely naked stranger why he is heading to the zoo sans clothes. Nope, that was not what I chose to do. I chose to look around like, "everyone can see the naked man, right!?" and then proceeded to a location where I could right my driving wrong. 

And then I sat behind a bunch of buses for about 15 minutes.

When I made it back to my original location, there was a police car with it's lights on and I'm assuming a naked man in his back seat. 

It made the news so I am confident I was NOT the only person to see the naked Zoo man.

This is all way more than I bargained for for a memorable First Field Trip experience. 

Incidentally, this is the third time I have encountered a random naked man. For such a prude, I seem to find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time quite often. 

And this is basically how the entire month has gone. (Not the naked man part - only the everything-is-a-hot-mess part.)

More on that later......

Both my mother and sister asked if I got a picture of said Naked Zoo Man and I let them know that I BARELY got a picture of my own child at the zoo today. What kind of mother would I be to get a picture of the naked man and not my child on her first field trip?!

So here's the one I got. 

Of the kid, not some random naked dude.

Until next time..........

Socially Spent

We have not done classroom birthday parties yet mainly because we felt she was too young and we had things going on. Plus, I'm no good with new people. I get all weird. I have gone her entire school career without learning any of the parent's names. I know this is probably horrible but the extent of our interactions is usually opening the door for each other on the way in or out. That's it! I know who belongs to which kid! Mostly. 

Now it's just awkward to ask, I've seen some of these women for 3+ years. 

However, we decided this year we would make more of an effort to socialize her so if she came home with an invite and wanted to go - we would try to make that happen. 

And the universe LAUGHED and she came home with three invites for this past weekend. 

And the kids have words now and spent the entire week talking about the parties like little gossipy teenagers. There was no way of getting around it.

Saturday we had a Halloween party with costumes and pumpkin painting. 

I am grown. I haven't dressed up in YEARS!!! But I didn't want to be the only one not in a costume so I borrowed some scrubs from my mom. I mean, if I'm going to be uncomfortable, I might as well dress comfortably. 

We show up at 3 with our pumpkin and the host (who is the ONLY other adult wearing a costume - more showed up later though) says she's not sure she's had anyone show up at 3 before - they usually show up much later! 

For clarification, the invitation listed the party at 3pm with no end time. And it didn't say it was 'starting at 3'. It said When: 3pm. I noticed the timeline for the event when we got there and things were scheduled until almost 6. Jesus, take the wheel.

Turns out it's an all-evening family event they throw every year. I was glad Alice got to go this year. She had a ball. She ran all over in her princess dress and cried huge tears when it was time to go. It was cold but she was happy. And she was finally able to see J's room because they've been talking about it all week and he wants her to see it. It's upstairs now and you have to take your shoes off.

Ummmm......pump your breaks, little girl! Wanting to rush off to see some boys room. She will give me all the grey hairs.  

On Sunday, she had back-to-back birthdays. 

We started with a little girl in her class and the invite said "costumes optional". Thinking ease, we went with Fancy Nancy because all that involves is a party dress and some accessories that are going to end up in my purse after a few minutes anyway. We arrive and not a single child is in a costume. Not even the birthday girl. Bless.

Alice is super awkward and these party helped me to realize that ALL kids are super awkward. This little girl is about as excited about socializing as I am. And all Alice wanted to do was play with her toys because they're all new to her! 

Alice doesn't understand the rules of a party. "It's time to play this game!" "No thank you, I don't want to." Yeah, that's not how this works, you have to play along, kid. And then tears. Always tears. 

As we were making our exit, the mom mentioned we could do play dates and dinner. She had my number on the caller ID so she could contact me. 

Y'all - this is like my worst nightmare. They have a really nice, calm house. I don't know how to behave in that kind of environment. And what happens when it's our turn to host?! I'm already sweating just thinking about it. 

Our next party was for a little boy. There was no guidance as to what to buy these kids so we got board games that would be appropriate for each child. 

We arrive to the party at Peter Piper Pizza and immediately realize the party is for a kid I've never even seen. Apparently, there are two boys in the class with the same name and while I was shopping for one, it was the other one I should have been shopping for. This was probably the most uncomfortable social encounter we have ever had. 

Although this does explain why the child I shopped for was in no hurry to leave the little girl's party before his. 

There were at least 3 other kids from Alice's class and I did eventually meet the boy's parents and figure out which child he was. 

Y'all. 

This was just all too much socializing. 

I had to write down names so I could remember what they were for when we run into each other at the Thankful Feast. 

And I think we might have hit our max on social engagements for the year. 

We're officially socially spent.

Real talk.

Until next time......

The 5th Year

Happy birthday, little girl!

Today you turn 5. 

5!! That's halfway to 10! And I'm pretty sure with the amount of sass you currently exude, we might be set for several LONG years. 

You have grown so tall and look less and less like the baby we brought home and more more like a young lady. Only one who doesn't like pants - we need to work on this. Especially when we're not at home..... 

You have SO MANY words and you use them ALL THE TIME. You and your 'sister' have amazing adventures and I am constantly watching your 'Bubs' while you go shopping. 

You sing almost all day. You make up songs and sing your little heart out, over and over and over again. 

You are fiercely independent on some things. You insist you can do it on your own and it "won't take too yong," which is never true. It always takes a million years. Okay, maybe not a million - but close! ;)

You can play for hours in your room on your own in worlds of your own. You are highly attached to your Lego's, a Shopkins set, a horse barn and a group of (almost always naked) barbie-type dolls. Y'all go on amazing adventures together.

While you can play for hours on your own, you want someone to sit with you in the bathroom and watch you wash your hands. And you insist on your hands being completely dry before leaving the restroom which usually means adding on at least 4 extra minutes to each visit.  

You get cranky when you get hungry. This you get from me, sorry. You are so used to hearing "I think you need a snack" when you get cranky that when I get cranky, you tell me, "come wit me to da kitchen, you need a snack."  

You are THE WORST backseat driver. Seriously. "You're going too past!! You're going too slow! Turn the music up! It's too youd! Not dis way. DAT way! Don't be mean, Momma, dey were just turning!" It was so lovely when you would fall asleep in the car..... I debate about turning your car seat back to rear facing almost every time we leave the house.

This year has been another big year. You got to take swimming lessons. You got to go to Disney World! You started Pre-K. You experienced your first hurricane. You have had to go to so many doctor appointments with me and you have been a huge trooper each time. 

You are way too smart for your own good and we are continuously proud of you. 

We live in a scary time and our hope for you is that you recognize the good, fight for what's right, and never compromise what your heart and your head know. You are so loved, sweet girl. You have a village of people who are still praying for you and will for as long as they can. 

We adore you,
Mom and Dad

P.S. Please don't think you're going to Disney for your birthday every year. Nope. That's a once in a lifetime event, my child.

TOO MUCH NATURE!!!

Let's start at the beginning. 

I don't do outside. This garden venture is a complete stretch for me. I do not like outside or all things that live outside. Nope. Not interested. 

Several months ago Tami came to the house. When she does, she parks her car on the street. She comes in an says "hey, did you know there's a snake skin next to where your trash is?" 

Ummm......what?

My Beloved says it's no big deal, it's just the skin, it doesn't look poisonous. 

I freak out. We're under attack. Obviously. 

A week later he says he has to tell me something that's been bothering him. He actually found the snake skin in the garage, not next to the house. "So we're emptying the garage this weekend and covering it in Snake Away, right?!" He knew at the time of finding the skin that we would be unable to completely empty the garage due to some work commitments so he hesitated in telling me.

We spent the next day cleaning the garage. 

Now, fast forward to a few weeks ago. We mentioned needing to put out more Snake Away now that the weather was getting warmer. No big deal, it's an easy weekend chore.

Only I wake up to take Alice to school one morning and the garage smells like a moth ball convention. SNAKE AWAY!!!!

Now I'm in a conundrum. Do I risk entering the garage?! Is it in my car's AIR VENTS!?! (All this stuff happens almost immediately after some crazy news story bounces around social media. Every. Time.)

This is how I handled that conversation:

Notice it took him 10 minutes to respond. We've had a discussion on how much time should go between text responses, especially those relating to dangerous beasts. 

We again checked the garage - no snake. 

And that brings us to today.

Mid morning the birds in our backyard start going berserk. No big deal, this happens a lot, it probably means there is a hawk near by. I walk to the back window and notice two Blue Jays on the fence fussing at something. I look down and see a huge snake moving around a stack of landscaping rocks we have along the fence line. And it looks rather annoyed with the birds. The birds are persistent and the HUGE SNAKE wiggles toward the garage side of our house. 

Side note - I feel like I owe the Blue Jays some bird food. They are WAY more helpful in protecting our backyard than our dog.

Per usual, I text my Beloved. 

He immediately calls and asks the size and color and 'where did it go' questions.

Ummm, no sir. I'm not stepping A FOOT outside! That is NOT my life!! Nope. There could be more! It could be like the plane! SNAKES FALLING FROM THE SKY!!! NOPE!! Everything outside is DEAD TO ME!!! Sorry, garden! You're on your own!!! 

"It went up the side of the house! I don't know where it is!! WE'RE ON LOCK DOWN!! THE HOUSE IS UNDER SIEGE!!!! We're not leaving until it has been proven that it's no longer a threat. And you have to YouTube how to check my car for snakes in the air vents! IT COULD HAVE EATEN THE BABY!!!!" 

God bless my poor Beloved. 

I told him it was big. And brown. And alive. I thought it might be like, 3 feet? I didn't want to say too big because I tend to exaggerate. Whatever.

So he gets home and starts hunting. 

I'm in the front room and Alice comes running. "Momma!! Dada needs you in the garage!"

BINGO!!

Killing the thing was quite comical, snakes don't die easily. A shovel and a scrapper of some sort was used. It started out in a bad spot so getting a good angle of its evil little head was mostly impossibly. Add on Daniel had to balance a stack of boards on his knee the entire time adding to the challenge. 

He manages to get it in a better position, however, then the snake's "flight or fight" instincts kicked in and it started climbing the wall. 

Literally, climbing up the wall. WHY, GOD, WHY???!!!

This all happens on the side of the garage where EVERYTHING is located because life. 

My Beloved eventually knocks the boards out of the way and drags the snake to the driveway. 

The shovel still isn't quite cutting it. Literally. 

So while holding the snake down in the heat, my Beloved asked me to bring him a knife from the bottom drawer of this tool box. "Oh, the bottom drawer, is that where it keeps it's babies, you think?" Him "there aren't any babies." Uh huh. 

Seriously, I attempted to help! I offered no less than 4 times to run to Walmart to buy a gun! 

And of course all of the neighbors arrive home to find my husband beheading a beast on our driveway. We're *those* neighbors.


We also got to have a fun conversation with Alice about the nervous system of snakes. Blessed life lessons. 

It didn't have fangs so Daniel is pretty sure it was just a really large Rat Snake.

Panic mode again.

"DOES THAT MEANT WE HAVE RATS?!?!??!"

Ya'll, this is the WRONG time to be on meds that prohibit me from drinking alcohol. 

THE. WRONG. TIME. 

Until next time.....

Backyard Shenanigans

You know, we do not live in a particularly rural area and we have a dog that spends quite a bit of time in our backyard. And YET our fenced in area seems to call to all the creatures in the area - "Come! Come and you will make her crazy!"

I do not do nature. And sometimes this house involves WAY TOO MUCH NATURE.

So far since living in this house:
* I have had to break up 3 cat fights (we do not have any cats).
* We've had to save cats from our dog 3 times. One of those times required a call to animal control.
* We have witnessed several birds get taken down by hawks. Several. One on our front porch. While we watched helplessly.
* We've had a turtle 'knock' on our front door. My Beloved relocated it to the bayou behind our house.
* We've had to run off opossums after they've been spotted by the dog.
* We've had a raccoon in our trees in the backyard. 
* There were the rats...
* I had to run a little yippy dog out of our backyard who spent the entire time barking at ME, the homeowner. 

And that brings us to this weekend. 

Friday while my Beloved is getting ready for work, Atticus starts barking at something with dedication. Daniel heads out to the fence line and discovers the offender.

A turtle.

Of all the fence lines in all the neighborhood, this turtle had to pick ours. We assumed with it digging a hole and planting it's back end in it, she was probably laying eggs. Alice was very excited about seeing the turtle. "He's soooo cute!! I wub him!"

We come back in and eat, which only takes 30 minutes, and when we go out to check on her again, she's gone! The hole is covered back up and the turtle has vanished. And it's all my fault because I made Alice go inside the first time. Obviously. 

Now what?! I feel like these potential eggs are our responsibility! Do they need a warming light? I'm googling gestation periods of turtles, which according to the Internet could be anywhere from 60 - 90 days. I can barely remember if I fed the dog. This is not going to work.....


Now let's talk about Saturday....

Daniel had graduation so he was out of the house early. I get up and let the dog out. As I'm looking over things, I notice a dead adolescent opossum on our porch. 

Sweet baby Jesus, why does this keep happening?!?? 

I keep my eye on the dog and as soon as he gets to the porch I open the door and rush him in. Luckily he isn't the most observant and didn't seem to notice it at all. I text my Beloved and send him a picture because it's one of those things that if there wasn't a picture you might be tempted to think it's made up.

Nope. 

From my vantage point (INSIDE), it doesn't look like it's hurt. It looks like it got a third of the way across our back porch, which is not easy for a little dude, and decided, "nope, that was just too much" and keeled over. 

I am positive it was not there the day before, however, it is already attracting flies. 

NOPE!! 

Daniel calls between ceremonies and as we're talking I mention it's hair looks funny. It's either wet or mangy, I can't tell. He suggests calling Animal Control to check to see if they want to handle it. So I call the weekend non-emergency number and explain what's going on. I ask if that's something they would prefer to handle and she says 'yes ma'am'. Hallelujah. I tell her exactly where it is and how he can get into the backyard. She says the guy has two previous stops and will hit ours last. 

Cool.

I open the front door to watch for him. I see his truck pull up and I go the bedroom to put on some shoes so I can go out to talk to him. The dog is barking at the truck. I look out and don't see him so I head to the back porch and the dead thing is gone!! I turn around to see the truck drive off. He was like a dead animal scooping Ninja. 

Side observation: This is yet another example of my doubt in Atticus's ability to be a beneficial guard dog. He spent the entire time barking at the set of tires he could see from the front door and completely ignored the shovel carrying man on our back porch. Seriously. 

I appreciate them coming so swiftly, however, I have some questions that would be nice to get answered. How did it die? Should we be concerned? 

What is it about our back porch that screams to the dying animals, "this. This is where I want to die." It's a lot of work to get on our porch!! The lady next door has no challenging obstacles!! Why can't they die there!?!? 

I just can't.

Until next time......

Sassy Speaks

We are in so much trouble. Period. While Alice might not have an expansive vocabulary, the words and phrases she is comfortable with are worrisome. 

A few weeks ago, after asking her teacher to chase her and being turned down, she told her "you're kiyying me!" (You're killing me.) This is my fault. I was convinced her first sentences would be either "you're killing me" or "pull yourself together, baby" because I said them to her over and over and over again. 

If I had a dollar for every time she said, 'I told you, Momma!' - I would have a lot of dollars. Like, a lot, a lot. This phrase, spoken often, instantly makes my eyebrows retreat to my hairline. Instantly. 

I'm not sure who taught her, "yeah, guess so" but we hear that a lot too. 
"Alice, do you want to eat?"
"Yeah, guess so."

"Alice, do you love (insert name here)."
"Yeah, guess so" with a shoulder shrug because complete indifference is totally in right now.

She also has no sense of time, yet she thinks "not yet" and "in a minute" and "almost time" are appropriate responses to direct orders. Y'all. 

She's all "I a big girl" until it's clean up time. Then it's, "I too yittle. I cian't do it." Uh huh.

Don't even get me started on her backseat driving! 

You hit a bump - "careful, Momma, careful!"

You're sitting in traffic - "GO!! Just go, Momma!"

You stop at a red light - "Why you stop?! GO!"
"The light is RED! We can't go until it's GREEN!"
*annoyed sigh* "Pine!" (fine)

When you pull out of the driveway - "Not dis way!! DAT way!" while pointing to complete opposite direction. 

She's 3. Do you know how many years of backseat driving we have left to look forward to?! I'm not actually doing the math on that because it might make me throw up. 

She's a 100% drama all of the time. I know this is karma because she is such a mini-me, it's terrifying. I call and apologize to my mother daily. 

She'll ask for something and I'll say she can have it. Then she says, "you go get it" Ummm.....no ma'am. Your legs work. 

She also says some pretty sweet stuff. She 'wubs' everything and things are her most 'paborite'. She LOVES picking 'powers' in the backyard. She says "this is so awesome!" frequently. She says 'yook' for 'look', 'pind' for 'find, and 'pone' for 'phone'. These are getting better every day which is a little bit bittersweet. Our growing Little Bitty.

She says "sweet dreams, Momma" before bed and no matter how much drama the day has had or how frustrating bedtime has been, I smile. Because it's precious.

And we 'wub' her so, drama and all.

Until next time.....

There better be Zombies next time....

We love our dog.

We love our dog.

We love our dog.

Sometimes we have to be reminded. 

Take this morning for example.

At exactly 3:20 a.m. this fine morning, Atticus started barking his lungs out in the middle of our living room. Like "Satan is at the back door" barking. Like "The Zombie uprising has begun at our fence line" barking. Like "Forget Timmy - the entire city has fallen down the well" barking.

His Man jumps from bed and lets him out to the yard. 

The Woman goes to The Child's room to coax her back to bed. Luckily she hadn't made it too far from her bed before I got to her. With her rubbing her eyes, "why Caticus barking?! He crazy!" Amen, sister. I told her I think he saw a cat. "Oh! He no like cats!" Nope. So back to bed she went with no complaints. Hallelujah. (This is the main reason the dog was allowed to live.)

I close her door and proceed to join my Beloved at the back door. "Do you see anything?" he asks. "No, just our dumb dog sniffing all over the place". We could hear other dogs barking. All I could think was, "15 Dalmatian puppies! Stolen!" (Thanks, Walt.) Side rant - why do dogs choose the most quiet of nights to lose their ever loving minds?! I was sleeping good too! I hadn't slept well in almost 3 days! 

He finishes up protecting the non-threatened perimeter and comes back in all excited wagging his tail - "look! I saved my people!"

No. Sir.

You woke up your people. 

That is NOT a good dog. 

Everyone went back to sleep easily enough. 

Except me. I was thinking about the Zombies. What if only dogs can see the Zombies? We're all screwed! 

So today, every time I catch the dog sleeping - I'm going to run into the room screaming like a maniac. 

This will do nothing but solidify his opinion that His Man's Woman is completely unhinged and has fallen of her rocker yet again. 

But I bet I find it oddly satisfying. 

Until next time......

Potty Problems

I'm not sure if you can guess this from my previous posts but our sweet child is a bit strong willed. And when she is committed to a cause - there is no changing her opinion. Until you can find the right switch to flip or until SHE is ready - her commitment stands.

And she is currently committed to NOT using the potty. 

COMPLETELY against it. 

We encourage, I take her with me to the potty, we bribe. Nothing. We have a potty chart with princess stickers - she successfully added three stickers and then quit. We have a singing Elmo potty book that we ALL KNOW THE WORDS TO NOW. And she sits and sings - but doesn't go. 

I tell her we're going to leave her diapers off and she's going to wear panties and she FREAKS OUT. Full on meltdown mode. 

I don't know ANYTHING about potty training. Nothing. However, I don't feel like physically fighting with her to get her on the potty is going to help. We put her on the potty and she sits there crying for as long as we leave her there. As soon as she's back in her diaper - she goes. 

People say to take a few days where you're not going to leave and just let her run around with nothing on. 
1. This is a busy time of year and we have something every weekend so that's hard.
2. She's going to LOVE being naked. I'm never going to get her to keep her clothes on after that. 

She's also anti diaper changes so now that's a battle as well. I end up having to tell her she can't do or have whatever it is she wants until her diaper is changed. "UGH! Pine!" (that's how she says 'fine') Y'all, she's 3.

During diaper changes, she complains that the wipes or my hands are cold. I tell her, "you know what's not cold?! Toilet paper!" Now when she says it, I ask her what's not cold. Her response, "*sigh* toiyet papea." EXACTLY! 

Yesterday I told her she won't be allowed to go to the 3's class until she can use the potty. "WHY NOT?!" she says. "Those are the rules" I say. "But Hailey has diapers!" she responds. This is actually not true - Hailey has a good mom and has been potty trained since last year. 

And then this morning OUT OF THE BLUE she asks when we're going to see Santa. EVERY TIME I mention Santa - she says, "NO!! No see Santa! He scary!" However, this morning she wants to see him. I say, "ok, we'll try to see Santa this weekend. What are you going to ask for?"

Her: ummm......a book!
Me: okay, what kind of book?
Her: a pink one! And I will wub it and it will be my paborite! (favorite)
Me: okay! Anything else?
Her: umm.....pay-doh.....umm....toys!...annnnnnnd......DIAPERS!!

*sigh*

I told her teachers about our potty discussions and they said the group of kids she plays with are actually all in diapers so maybe that's it. 

I think she's just trying to drive me crazy. She's know she's supposed to so she's hell bent on not doing it. 

Lord, give me strength. 

And Santa - don't be an enabler! Get her big girl panties instead! 

Maybe I can get Santa on my side.....

Until next time......

The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

The Good
Daniel and I started a new diet/workout plan last week. And I am SO proud of us! We are determined!

So far the diet hasn't been very hard and the workouts are actually WORKOUTS. They're only 30 minutes and you switch up which you do every day. I loathe the yoga. LOATHE. I lack the grace and balance needed to execute a yoga move. It's my least favorite. 

We're doing really good! Even when Daniel has to go in early, I workout on my own and he does his 30 minutes when he gets home. We're sticking to the diet which is more about portion control and making sure you're eating the right things. We're trying to make smarter, healthier choices. The challenge has been feeding Alice who thinks brown rice and wheat pasta are the worst tricks we ever played on her. The. Worst. 

In just one week, I was down 5lbs!! I was SO excited! I felt better (sore, but better) and I thought I was looking a little thinner too. I was feeling confident until....

The Bad
Sunday we were at mom's house. An old work friend was coming by to pick up a piece of furniture mom didn't need anymore. We haven't seen each other in years and the first words out of her mouth were, "look at that HUGE belly!"

And just like that - all my good feelings were gone. 

"Nope, it's just fat!"

She felt HORRIBLE and I'm not writing this as a form of further punishment. My intent is not to call her out or make her feel worse. My intent is not to question her friendship or to have you do the same. I had a rough day - this is my outlet. She apologized a million times over and I know still feels horrible about it.

I spent the rest of the day in tears. It's amazing to me how quickly I can crumble when it comes to self worth and self image. I'm such a girl.

I KNOW this is a looooooonnnnngggg process and it's not about the weight as much as it is about being healthy. So this morning, I pushed it extra hard. It was an upper body day. I hope Alice doesn't need picking up. ;) 

Now to the Funny
Months ago, someone on Facebook posted a link about getting free finger print safety kits for your kids. This seems like a responsible thing to do so I clicked on it.

In my defense - it didn't look hinky. It even has a police officer!! There's no asterisk leading to the teeny tiny details you can't see! 

They ask the usual stuff - name, phone number, address. And then they ask to set a time to come to your house. Nope. I'm out.

They eventually start calling. I accidentally answered once and they're very persuasive and THEY ALREADY HAVE MY ADDRESS so I set a time and planned to be out. Worked out great! We had dinner out and we didn't have to listen to whatever they were selling.

All was well.

Until I answered the phone again.

We set another time and planned to be out or just have the lights out. I TELL my Beloved, "That dude with the kit is supposed to be by tonight around 7ish so we need to have the lights out and look like we're not home." Him, "okay."

We eat dinner (stuffed bell peppers) and while I'm prepping other food for the week, he goes out to put air in his tires. I look out the garage door and he has the garage door open and the lights are on. I tell him again, "Daniel, that dude might come by! Close the garage door!" Him,"surely he'll call first and won't just come by."

Ten minutes later, "so Luis is outside, I'm just going to go ahead and bring him in."

Hells bells. 

This kid (he was born in 1990 but wishes he was born in the 80's because he likes that 'older music'. We found out LOTS about Luis) comes in through the garage and kitchen and says, "man! Something smells really good!"
Daniel - "we had stuffed bell peppers for dinner."
Him - "they smell delicious! I haven't eaten all day!"
Awkward me = "do you want one?"
Him - "SURE!"

So I fed him. What else was I supposed to do?! 

He didn't even ask what was in it. Who eats food at a stranger-dangers house without asking what's in it?! He knew NOTHING about us! THIS could be how we lure our victims!! Does no one watch Criminal Minds anymore?! 

Turns out he's selling life insurance only he's a talker and my husband is a talker and it takes about 30 minutes for him to get to the point. He goes through his speech about how we're going to die and wouldn't it be horrible if we were a burden on our loved ones. He mentions funeral/cemetery costs. Daniel says, "she doesn't want a funeral or a cemetery." He asks me what I want. I say, "I'm going to be cremated and put in a Bio Urn. They'll bury me somewhere and I'm going to be a tree."

He had no response for this.

He tried to emphasize that anyone of us could be killed or dismembered at any moment. Such a Debbie Downer.

He talked until almost 9:30. I can't even.

We finally said we'd have to think about it and showed him out. Yeesh. 

We did get a free "safety" kit although we have to do it ourselves. The ad makes you think a responsible authority figure with years of experience finger printing people is going to help you print your unruly child. Nope. Somehow WE have to figure out how to get an unruly, strong willed child to allow us to roll each finger in ink and press to the paper. One. Finger. At. A. Time. Nope.

I'm never answering the phone again.

Until next time....