A ready heart

CAUTION: This is the end of Father Christmas. Keep the small eyes away.

For years, Alice has been asking about Santa. She does this at the most inopportune times usually following the other fictional characters we've slowly unmasked. I wrote about it here.

My response is always the same, "do you really want to know or do you want to sit with it?"

Her response is always, "I'll sit with it."

We know her head knows what her heart isn't ready for.

This year, her heart was ready. 

After we got home from Christmas at my mom's something was said and I asked, "who do you think Santa is?"

She said, "I think you and Dada are Santa." 

The ONLY question she had was if Santa was ever real. We talked about where the idea of Santa came from and she was content with that.

We talked about all her previous gifts and how Uncle Travis, Nana, Aunt Tami and now Aunt Meghan get to stay up and set everything up. We laughed because Daddy's job is to make sure Alice gets to sleep so he is always truly surprised on Christmas morning.

Alice "so when I asked Santa for a Barbie house...."
Me "Santa got the Barbie house she knew would fold up and fit in your messy room."
Her "fair."

She also asked if we kept her letters to Santa and I honestly don't know where they would be if I did. I do have this year's though because it was super last minute and quite cute.

We also discussed the elf. This year I did a few extra things since I knew it would probably be the last year. Her sweet Music teacher made tiny cookie sheet cookies that I left out like Meyers baked for her. She took it to school for lunch and when she told her friends where it came from, her friend Isabella quickly told her friend Alex not to say anything. Bless her heart. 

I also let her know next year, she can move them. 

"Slay." she says. 

"But nothing involving any kind of food!!" - me, clearly seeing the ideas forming.

"Oh man...." 

It was a calm discussion where we laughed and shared the backstage memories. She knows to hold the magic for the younger kids and what a huge responsibility it is because kids deserve the magic of Christmas. Period.

The best part? Because we waited for her heart to listen to her head - no one cried. 

Letting her carry the magic a bit longer until she was ready to let it go didn't hurt her or us.

Christmas next year will be a new kind of magic SHE will get to create. 

And won't that be something!

Until next time....

Brown Eyed Atti

Last fall as we gathered with family for the holidays, I had this foreboding feeling that it would be the last one that looked like that. My heart knew 2022 would come with change and loss and I wanted to be prepared. 

But honestly I thought I had more time....

Once upon a time we adopted a dog. He was a cute little rescue from our local pound. 

We named him Atticus.

 

His other names were Atti, Catticus (baby Alice), sweet boy, nephdog and granddog.

He came housebroken. He hated a crate and he shed like crazy. In the beginning, he got car sick. He buried his bones in the backyard.

He ADORED His Man. He tolerated The Woman. He didn't eat The Child. 

If I was cuddling with my Beloved, he would come and insert himself between us. 

He was a brat. 

He laid on ALL the things not his. He would look you right in the eye as he placed his foot on your [insert item here]. He managed to get a foot on Alice's beloved Kiki whenever he could.

He always knew exactly where you were stepping next and planted himself in that exact spot RIGHT before you stepped there. He also waited until you were perfectly settled in to your seat and about to take your first bite of a meal to scratch on the door to go out.

He was a picky eater and refused to drink out of metal bowls or those auto fill water bowls that go "glug, glug". He could remove any of the tiniest particles of food from his food that he didn't like. He would just carefully take them in his mouth and deposit them next to his bowl. He would devour pizza crust. He knew what time he got a treat at night and would throw a full on fit until he got it. 

He also knew what time His Man got home and he would wait by the door. 

If you ended up in his spot on the couch - he would stand and stare. And when that didn't work, he would climb on your lap until you moved.

He wasn't big on being manhandled but he loved to have his butt scratched. 

He hated the vacuum. He slept on our bed. He loved to be closer to His Man. He begrudgingly let Alice dress him up and then rolled all over her Lego designs. He always needed to be in the middle of all the things. 

We will be cleaning up dog hair for the rest of our lives.

He spent the last several years in my office on the CareBear couch he claimed as his. Moving this out of my office is going to absolutely crush me.

He had expressive eyes that let you know exactly what he was thinking. 

He is all Alice has ever known - there was not a Before Atti time for her.

He was ours for 12 years. 

Today we said good bye.

Letting him go has been absolutely heartbreaking.

He will forever be a part of our lives.

Sweet boy, it was an honor to have you be a part of our family. 

Even when you made our eyes twitch. Or woke us up barking at nothing. Or refused to eat the homemade treats I made you. 

I hope you are whole again and treat time is 24/7. 

We love you.

PS: When you get to where you're going, if you see a black Lab named Woody - tell him we love him too.

Until next time......

To My Brother on his Wedding Day

This is a post I never thought about writing. 

Not because I didn't think you would get married! I just never imagined when you were little what it would look like when you were grown up. 

You have always been the little brother, the booganose, the original Bubba.

And today you become a husband.

Today you make promises to love and protect. 

Today someone else takes over the job of dressing you.

Today you start your own family! 

Now I'm going to do the sisterly thing and share some lame wisdom.

Marriage can be magical. You get to love and support your own live-in best friend. She will be the start and end of every day. You have a set partner for LIFE!! 

Marriage is also work.

Marriage is constantly loving someone where they are. Not where you see them in the future and not where you wish they were. Love them where they are right now. And 'right now' changes as you grow together. And loving as you grow is so important. 

Marriage means continually communicating how you honestly feel. It is about realizing where a compromise can be made and consistently considering how an action will affect you both. It's also about being upfront when something doesn't sit right.. If there is only one person making compromises - talk honestly about it.

Marriage should be a partnership. Your feelings and desires cannot outweigh the other's. 

Marriage is great but sometimes it's hard. There will be disagreements and when new ones show up - leave the old ones alone. Don't fight ugly. Words said in the height of stress do not go away. Ever. Love is knowing someone's triggers and never using them.

And no matter what is happening - always love her first. 

Today you will talk down the aisle and say 'I do!'

Today you start your new forever.

Today you will become Meghan's husband.

And I wish you and Meghan the very best.

We love you!

The head, the heart and Santa

Alice's head is telling her all the things her heart doesn't want to hear. 

We knew this was coming. We understood that by fostering this kind of childhood 'magic' we would one day have to answer for it. We made no plans - we decided to handle it when it was time as the questions came up. 

That was foolishness. Let this be a warning to all new parents - RIP the heads off all mythical, magical beings at the same time. Just completely break their heart at one time instead of a slow, continuous break the span of 4 years. 

She's a trisky child and asks these heavy, life-shattering questions when we're compromised and our brains are tired so we answer without thought to deceive preserve the magic of belief.

And she KNOWS. I know she knows but the asking is part of our penance.  

First it was the Fairy. One day over the summer while I was working, she walks into my office and asks "Mom, are fairies real?" Me, distracted, responded with "no." Her "then what about my fairy door!??" Me after a long pause....."okay, I can't think about how to answer this right now, let's revisit it later." 

Then it was the Easter Bunny. Late one night something was being talked about and then she stared us down and asked if the Easter Bunny was real. I took a breath and told the truth. We argued about where the Easter presents came from. She said, "okay, the Easter Bunny isn't real" and we thought we were done. A few days later she said "I wonder what the Easter Bunny is going to bring me this year!" I told her we talked about this and there was no Easter Bunny. To which she responded with "yeah, I know. But he's still going to bring me something." We go over this every Easter even if I've let her pick out what goes in her own Easter basket.

Months later we were playing on the floor of her room when her Dada states "that's because the Tooth Fairy isn't real." My eyebrows jumped to my hairline and Alice's jaw dropped down to her chest. Him "was that not one we went over already?" This was exceptionally entertaining because we got to go over all the times her 'Tooth Fairy' forgot. 

She usually follows up these kinds of chats with "what about Santa!?" and I look at her with all the gentleness I can muster and say "do you want the truth or do you want to sit with it a bit longer?" and she says with devastating seriousness "I want to sit with it" so we move on.

I think her head is getting louder than her heart and all this growing up is unsettling to her. 

The other night while I was taking a shower she wanders into the bathroom with all the Santa questions. 

"Mom, is Santa real?"

Me "do you want to truth?"

Her "no."

After some quiet thinking, "if he's not real, then how does the elf move?"

Me, from the shower "what does your head tell you?"

Her, after a pause "that someone else in the house moves it."

Another pause, "mom, what if kids at school talk about Santa?"

Me "it's probably not going to be what you want to hear."

I peek around the shower curtain and say "when we do finally talk about Santa and it's what you fear it to be, we can still keep the magic for Kayden and Sawyer. We can always make magic." 

By this time I'm crying, obviously. 

Then she circles back to "so, how does the elf move if there is no Santa?"

Me, at the point of enough...."I'm not sure I want to answer that while I'm shaving my legs in the shower. Maybe you should go ask your Dad."

She didn't because it's usually me she wants to trigger into a sobbing mess. 

We'll talk about it again, of this I am SURE.

And my heart tells me she will adjust because the magic will change and SHE will get to move the elf. And I guarantee her elf will do A LOT more than our elf did. 

For now, we'll let her ask the questions she already knows the answers to because holding on to every ounce of her childhood seems to be what she NEEDS right now. She'll accept it eventually but for now, we're going let her heart hold on. 

One day it will come up and I will ask her "do you want the truth or do you want to sit on it for a bit more?" and she will say she wants the truth even though she's known it all along. 

Spoiler alert - I will sob then too. 

Until next time.....

Against my better judgement.....

So, here it is. 

Inauguration day. 

Some people are mad. Hurt. Scared. Unforgiving. Hateful. 

Some people are gleeful. Hopeful. Relieved. Unforgiving. Hateful. 

One side wants the other to get over it. "Stop crying!! Your person didn't win!!"

One side wants to hit a fast forward button to 4 years from now. "He's NOT MY PRESIDENT!!" 

A celebrity (who is a person, people. A breathing, alive, living, American) can say something with grace and dignity and people scream "JUST ACT!!! WE DON'T PAY YOU TO HAVE OPINIONS!!!" Seriously. This is ridiculousness. 

Both sides are incapable of empathy or understanding. Both sides are incapable of conversing. 

All it is is "YOU'RE WRONG!!!!!! I'M RIGHT!! ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!"

So divided. 

People who are happy to be done with the previous administration say "at least he isn't him!" 

Comparing the two is apples to oranges. 

I don't really think Obama was the greatest president ever, mainly because my knowledge of politics is limited and I don't agree with all of the decisions he made.

However, I don't think he was a vile man.

The new President, however.....

I could not vote for a man who used "God's will" in one sentence and then completely insulted and alienated entire demographics in the next. Completely unapologetic. Proudly. The fact that religious leaders touted him as being a 'Man of God' absolutely DISGUSTS me. And people will say, "he's God's chosen." This turns my stomach. With that thinking so was Hitler. Stalin. Putin. 

I could not vote for a man who is SO unprofessional with his social media. A man who will insult anyone who has the nerve to call him out on his faults is just childish. His tantrums are so embarrassing. This is not who I want running my country. 

As a woman raising a woman, I could not vote for a man who disregards women like he does. I am raising my daughter to KNOW she deserves to be treated better than being "grabbed by the p@##%" by some 'entitled' man. "But that was locker room talk years ago." And he has shown me no different since. How mothers to daughters voted for him, I just don't understand. Sorry, I don't. 

I could not vote for a man who proudly incited SO MUCH HATE. I watched rallies and I cried. He spewed hate and retaliation and people ATE IT UP! He liberated the KKK. He let them come out in the light - boldly, proudly. He WELCOMED their support. No. Nothing about that is okay. I have friends who are not white. I have friends who are not straight. I have friends who are not male. I REFUSE to support a man who feels like these people deserve less than. These people deserve to be spoken down to. To be used. To be persecuted. 

I will not attack anyone for voting for him. I will question what was worth overlooking his entire being to vote for him. Seriously. This is how I see it....

"His Pro-Life stance." Bulls%$#. He doesn't give a care about tiny babies. A man with so much disdain for grown humans could never be so concerned with them as babies. Period. 

"I'm going to drain the swamp." And he did. He filled it with people who look just like him. And they're going to work hard at protecting themselves and lining their own pockets. He is not concerned for you, my dear. 

"I'm not a politician." People. Seriously. 

"I'm going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!" *for the rich, white elite. Because, priorities. See my above comment about his spewing of the hate. By 'looking past' his OPEN racism, you accepted it as okay. I think this is where the most fear and hurt from fellow people stems from. How can your minority neighbor trust you, laugh with you, and be comfortable with you when you support a man who stands for their oppression? "But that's not how I feel!" But you supported it. 

He did that political thing where he said trigger words to get you to completely block out his real words. Except usually men wait until they get into office to show you what complete douche's they are. This one paraded it around like a badge of honor. 

I am very vocal about not voting for our current President. Very. Vocal.

I am also very vocal about the fact that I have ZERO issues with voting for a candidate that isn't a major party candidate. I'm not red or blue, I'm more purple. A "Conservative Liberal" if you will. It's a sore spot to some of my more conservative family members. However, it's my choice. It's my right. 

I think there should be stricter gun control laws (I could have an entire post about this one issue. It would totally have my Dad rolling over in his grave). I think women and minorities and the LGBTQ community deserve the same chances as everyone else. I know I've shared my opinions on abortion and same-sex marriage before. I don't want The Man telling me what do to all the time. I don't want The Man controlling everything. I think the people struggling through several jobs to barely make ends meet deserve affordable health care. I think completely defunding Planned Parenthood will cost women their lives. (I've spent a day in Planned Parenthood with a dear friend who was there for cancer screenings. Abortions aren't all they do.) Education is important. I believe there should be stricter laws in regards to child abuse. I feel like child molesters should go away for all of eternity. I firmly believe we do not do as much as we could be doing to protect our smallest. I also think we fail to protect our women. On the flip side, I think marijuana should be legal - TAX THAT MESS!! 

See why my family is a bit concerned. 

I was raised Conservative and I still swing mostly that way on a lot of things. But I also think people should be treated kind of equally. And love should outshine fear and hate. And if it's not something that actively hurts me or my family - what is the problem?

So when it comes to voting, I listen to speeches. I read about stances. And I vote without guilt. Mostly. And this year, I wrote someone in. I know, GASP!!! "You wasted your vote!!" Nope. I voted for someone I agreed with. Someone I believe in. That wasn't a wasted vote. Besides, I'm a total cynic and I live in Texas - if the Devil himself ran as a Republican - he would win. Obviously. 

So you will probably says it's all my fault. Which is dumb. He didn't win by 1 vote.

And he's who we have now. 

And I will respect the office. But not the man.

I can have hope he will eventually earn it, however, I am painfully doubtful. The decisions he has already made are heartbreaking and worrisome. 

But I can hope! 

Until next time......

Her Christmas Ki-Ki

She has been heavily attached to the same blanket for years. It happens to be my old baby blanket so it came to her with quite a bit of wear already. And the years have taken its toll on her beloved "Ki-ki". I'm not sure why she started calling it that, but that is what it is. Her Ki-ki. And we do not go anywhere for the night without it. She drags it around the house all day. It is her cape, her sidekick, her security. 

And it is COMPLETELY unraveling. My Beloved has sewn large splits. This picture is actually from a few months ago. By December, the entire middle was a series of holes. She wore it like a poncho. Bless. 

We discussed the need to replace it. We even let her look at new ones. We let her go through her old ones. When it looked like she was just about to move on, she would say, "nebermind, my Ki-ki is pine." And off she goes with the poor, shredded baby blanket. 

We started looking for the materiel a while back, hoping that maybe I could make her a new one. The material is VERY specific. It's a waffle type fabric that isn't too thick and is nice and soft and cold. And completely un-findable. 

I was a complete wreck over what we were going to do. 

While Alice was at Nana's the week before Christmas, we tried the specialty fabric store near the house. It mainly focuses in quilt fabric and items so they didn't have it. They did suggest a different store. So while at dinner, I googled it. The first ad that popped up was for my baby blanket!! The right fabric, the original satin border!! IT WAS IT!! AND IT WAS AT DILLARD'S FOR $12.99!! So we went to the mall. 

HALLELUJAH!!!!!! 

Now to get Alice to accept it......

I had a BRILLIANT plan - let's make Santa do it! She had not been specific on what she wanted from Santa (besides EVERYTHING SHE HAS EVER TOUCHED EVERYWHERE) and since he brought her panties last year, we felt like this year he could help coax her into a new change. We put a lot of pressure on Father Christmas, bless him. 

I found a box and I wrote a note and we left it under the tree. 

When she was ready for presents, we read the note and she grabbed her new Ki-ki.

And she hasn't let go since. 

She drags the new one all over. It is her cape, her sidekick, her security. And I am so relieved. 

I am so thankful for Google and Dillard's and Meyers the Elf and Santa. I'm thankful we finally found a replacement. I'm thankful she loves it. 

The old ki-ki is in the box with the note from Santa where it will remain for safe keeping. It served me and Alice really well and it deserves a little rest. 

Until next time....

A Little Loser Chair

In a past life, I helped produce broadcast commercials. This meant LONG shoot days, mostly outside in less than comfortable locations. So after the first commercial shoot I worked on, I bought myself a little chair so I would have somewhere to sit. It's a tiny, fold up camp chair. I tried to find the smallest so not only would it be easy to transport, it would also be too uncomfortable for anyone else to want to sit on and it had a cup holder!! SOLD! 

The first time the director saw it, he noted how small, sad, and uncomfortable it looked. Perfect!! I teasingly called it my little loser chair. And the chair would always be available for me!! Only it wasn't. I would find him sitting it in often if his chair was too far. His nice, comfortable directors chair. "Hey! That's my little loser chair!" Him "it's not as bad as it looks!" Oh great. 

Fast forward to now, many years later when shoot days are a past life and now it's perfect for Alice. Sometimes when I'm sitting in it, she will crawl into my lap and I'm hopeful it'll hold. 

And note that she has removed my cup and replaced it with hers. 

Someone is always stealing my chair! 

But she's a lot cuter so I don't mind so much. 

Until next time.....

A Big Girl Room

She has been growing out of her toddler bed for a while now. It would probably work still if she didn't insist upon sleeping with 11 stuffed toys, her Elsa doll, a sippy cup of water, and a set of slippers. But nonetheless, her feet hang out of her baby bed. 

I was folding clothes on the bigger bed in her room and said, "when you're ready, you could move to this bed if you wanted to."

Her reply, "YAY!! I syeep in Aunt Tami's bed tonight!"

Hold up, kid!! I meant, like, in the future. Not like RIGHTNOW! 

But nope. I had said enough. This was happening. 

And that night, she slept in her big girl bed.

I got a little emotional. 

The next day I was trying to brainstorm how to rearrange her room to make it more accommodating. Moving furniture is how I cope. I moved the bed and planned on removing the glider in her room. 

This she would not agree to.

"That's mines rocker!!!!"

Instead she told me to remove the baby bed. 

This I did not handle well. 

I moved things around until it was obvious that the baby bed would have to go. Enter the feelings. ALL. OF. THEM.

Sadness that this is happening so soon. Didn't she just come home yesterday!?
Guilt that she will most likely be the only one to use it. 
Pride that she is growing. 
Sadness that she is growing so fast. 

Okay, mostly it was sadness. 

So when my Beloved got home, he took down a baby bed.

He got a little emotional too. That made me feel a bit better about him finding me ugly crying with her sheep the night before. 

So now she has a big girl room with no baby bed. 

But she's asked to be rocked for a few minutes every night since. So I guess there's still a little of the baby left. 

As emotional as I get that she's growing, we couldn't be more proud of her. But we wouldn't complain if she slowed down a bit either.....

Until next time....

All for Naught

Today I got an email informing me my certification program will no longer be offered at the school I am currently registered for classes in due to the career no longer being a 'viable career option.' The program I was 4 classes away from finishing. 

And just like that everything we had planned crumbled.

Now I feel like I wasted a year of school on classes I won't ever use or translate to anything I can use. 

Now I have to accept that I will have to work outside of the home. I will have a commute. Alice will go to day care. And that's only IF I can find a job. 

What do I have to offer? Who will hire me?! I've done nothing but chase a toddler around for the last two and half years. 

The doubt and fear is overwhelming. 

How could I have been SO wrong? I was told it was a great opportunity! I felt it was where I needed to focus! 

And now I am lost. 

I'm sad for plans that will never happen. I am heartbroken that a vision we had is no more. Plans we had as a family will have to change. And that breaks my heart. 

I am embarrassed that I was so excited for something that now means nothing. I now have to tell people that I went to school for nothing. Those plans I was so happy to talk about are all over. I should have just kept it all to myself. But that's not who I am. That's not what I did. 

And now I have to tell people I was wrong. And that stinks. I was SO SURE!!! And yet. 

I have to tell people that I'm back to not knowing what I want to do when I grow up. Back to being unsure. 

And that just sucks. 

I'm also mad. Mad for not being advised differently. I'm mad that they weren't going to tell me - I had to ask. 

I'm frustrated because I should have known better. If it sounds to good to be true....

I asked my Beloved if I should avoid blogging about it. He encouraged me to; he said it's my process and it'll help me work through my emotions. And he's right. And he's super supportive and I love him a lot. 

And while the train is derailed for now, hopefully we'll find the right track soon. 

Until then, I'll keep singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider and sharing ice cream with our girl. Hopefully something will make sense soon. 

Until next time.....

Cheeto Fingers

Today we sold her car seat. The seat we brought her home in. The seat we took her to doctors appointments in. The seat she slept in at restaurants. 

And it was hard. 

There was no reason for us to keep it and it was taking up a lot of space. Now a new family will have the same feelings with their little one. 

But it was still hard. 

We happened to be around Mom's hospital so we stopped by to say hi. And Alice was sweet enough to share her Cheetos. 

When we visit, the nurses goo and gah over our girl. And our nurse friend Cathy knows the way to her heart is food! So she gave the child a bag of Baked Cheetos. She had orange everywhere. 

We had some more errands to run and it's cold! So she FINALLY got to wear her Christmas coat!! We found this coat on a crazy sale right after she was born. Mom bought it for her and she got it this past Christmas. And it's A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E.

Seriously. 

I skipped the picture yesterday but today's picture is water. I took this while we were out and about.

Until next time....