A Pinch of Hope

This weekend I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone for something I knew in my heart was important. 

I have been unapologetically vocal about my disgust with those in leadership roles and my disappointment with those who put them there. I share this on social media and in the shirts I wear when I leave the house.

But lately, that hasn't been enough.

Last Friday I decided to see if there was a No Kings gathering in our area and was pleasantly surprised to see one in our little community. I told my Beloved I needed to be there. I texted my like-minded Bestie and her response was an immediate "I'm down." That night we bought markers and made signs. 

I was going outside......

Before we left the house, it was important to me that Alice understood why this was necessary.

We talked about our Freedom of Speech and how the current administration would like to silence those who disagree with them. We talked about how they are trying to manage what stories the Press are allowed to tell. We talked about how they are attempting to erase parts of history that might make us uncomfortable; but these are things that to be learned so we don't accept the terrible treatment of others as being okay. 

Lastly, we talked about the importance of showing up for our friends that do not look like us who are having to worry about being unlawfully detained for the color of their skin. That is not something we have to worry about and it's important to use our voices for them. By showing our outrage at the blatant injustice - we are showing them they are safe with us.

On Saturday, with our signs in hand, we headed to City Hall and joined around 300 people from our community in solidarity that NONE of this okay. The lies. The shutdowns. The disgusting internet trolling done by the freaking leader of the United States - NONE OF IT IS OKAY.

We held signs, waved, blew bubbles, sang, chanted - even when it rained.  

And for the first time in a long time, we all didn't feel so alone.

We stood next to a woman from our neighboring community who was thankful to be able to stand with people who felt the same way she did. 

It's easy to feel like we're crazy. But over 7 million people peacefully gathered to express their anger at where we are heading. 

And for the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Hope that the hate won't continue to win.

Hope that eventually the lies will stop and consequences will happen. (I miss accountability and consequences and checks & balances...)

Hope that communities can live in peace again.

Just.....a pinch of hope.

I'm thankful we attended because now I know I'm not so alone in the immediate space I share with so many. 

Until next time....

Healing is Itchy

**This post is a TMI medical post. This is your warning.**

For the first time in Alice's educational career, I am missing Field Day. This makes me so very sad, I've gotten emotional a few times today. BUT I have a very good reason for missing it.

Last Tuesday, I had a hysterectomy. 

Who has two thumbs and no uterus?! 

THIS GIRL!! (points to self)

For years, I have had terrible cycles. Debilitatingly painful, heavy, inconsistent cycles. I have requested surgery and have always been told the same thing - "with your medical history, no doctor is ever going to be willing to do that. Periods are just painful sometimes."

So I've managed with muscle relaxers and heavy pain meds that don't work. I've stayed in bed with the lights off in the only position that doesn't hurt. I've lost sleep due to pain. I've sat with a heating pad for hours hoping to relieve a little bit of the discomfort. 

Nothing helps. But, you know, periods are just painful sometimes.

My yearly visit arrived and I wasn't able to schedule with my usual OB/GYN. My medical system works to where I can pick any doctor available. So by chance and availability, I met Dr. Beasley in December. 

I told her my history and my issues. And for the first time, I had a doctor say "well, let's order an ultrasound and see if there is anything additional going on."

She listened.

I had the ultrasound and was diagnosed with adenomyosis. This can be treated with hormone replacements however, due to my clotting condition, I can't touch a hormone. So, the only other way to fix the problem is surgery. And this doctor looked at all the things, thought about it and said, "since you haven't had a clotting issue in so long, I think we can do that."

Any surgery for me means I have to bridge my clotting medication. I have to switch from my normal medicine to one that stays in my system for less time. I go from pills to two shots to the tummy daily. This bridge happens leading up to the surgery and after the surgery until my INR is up to where it needs to be to be therapeutic. (I'm still taking the shots and they are the lamest part of this process.) 

Because of this - I had to see a hematologist. (If you have been with me for any amount of time, you know my spiritual gift is collecting ologists.) I met with one originally years ago when I moved over to the Kelsey Seybold system. She said their Coumadin Clinic would handle my results and I shouldn't have to see her again. Well, now I had to see her only I didn't want to drive that far. So I met a new hematologist closer to home and she says she wants to actually see me occasionally. I mean, that's fair. 

We scheduled the surgery for a Tuesday knowing I would need to stay the night because my doctor wanted to be able to start my blood thinners again. My mom stayed with me and we had a nice time.

Surgery took a bit longer than planned due to extra scar tissue. Everything went well though and I have had zero issues with the healing process. What ever anesthesia did to keep me from being nauseous - BLESS. THEM. I was up and moving around Tuesday evening with no issues.  

The doctor came by Wednesday to check on me. She showed me pictures of the before and after. Before they started the surgery, they found blood in my abdomen. Because my uterus is the gift that keeps on giving, I started my period two days before surgery - one last gift. She said I had undiagnosed endometriosis and have been bleeding in to my abdomen for some unknown amount of time during my cycles. The colleague she had with her told her it was one of the worst cases she's seen in her 20+ years of doing this. 

That's on brand for me.

I came home and told my Beloved I spent years feeling like I was being overdramatic and that my pain was way worse in my head than in reality.

Because periods are just painful sometimes.

In my years of collecting ologists, I am quick to find a new doctor if I feel like they are not listening. However, I have not been that way with my OB/GYNs because maybe the pain is just bad to me. Had I not ever scheduled an appointment with this doctor, I might not have ever had the validation of knowing something was really wrong. 

I am so thankful for this life improving surgery. For a doctor willing to take the extra step. For an anesthesia team who knew their stuff. For my supportive Beloved who took care of all the things. For my Mom who is my best medical advocate. For my loving village who stepped in to help with Alice. For the same village sending me pictures of Alice today at her very last elementary Field Day. For an abdominal wrap and Tylenol (the good drugs made me itchy because of course they did.) For the two extra drawers we'll now have in the bathroom. For not having two women in the house on their cycles at the same time (this hasn't been an issue yet - but we know it's coming.)

My incisions are healing. My stomach is bruised. I'm a little itchy because the healing process is itchy. My heart is happy.

It wasn't all in my head.

Ladies, if you are hurting and your doctor is diminishing your pain - find a different doctor.

Because periods should not always be that painful sometimes....

Until next time.... 

A ready heart

CAUTION: This is the end of Father Christmas. Keep the small eyes away.

For years, Alice has been asking about Santa. She does this at the most inopportune times usually following the other fictional characters we've slowly unmasked. I wrote about it here.

My response is always the same, "do you really want to know or do you want to sit with it?"

Her response is always, "I'll sit with it."

We know her head knows what her heart isn't ready for.

This year, her heart was ready. 

After we got home from Christmas at my mom's something was said and I asked, "who do you think Santa is?"

She said, "I think you and Dada are Santa." 

The ONLY question she had was if Santa was ever real. We talked about where the idea of Santa came from and she was content with that.

We talked about all her previous gifts and how Uncle Travis, Nana, Aunt Tami and now Aunt Meghan get to stay up and set everything up. We laughed because Daddy's job is to make sure Alice gets to sleep so he is always truly surprised on Christmas morning.

Alice "so when I asked Santa for a Barbie house...."
Me "Santa got the Barbie house she knew would fold up and fit in your messy room."
Her "fair."

She also asked if we kept her letters to Santa and I honestly don't know where they would be if I did. I do have this year's though because it was super last minute and quite cute.

We also discussed the elf. This year I did a few extra things since I knew it would probably be the last year. Her sweet Music teacher made tiny cookie sheet cookies that I left out like Meyers baked for her. She took it to school for lunch and when she told her friends where it came from, her friend Isabella quickly told her friend Alex not to say anything. Bless her heart. 

I also let her know next year, she can move them. 

"Slay." she says. 

"But nothing involving any kind of food!!" - me, clearly seeing the ideas forming.

"Oh man...." 

It was a calm discussion where we laughed and shared the backstage memories. She knows to hold the magic for the younger kids and what a huge responsibility it is because kids deserve the magic of Christmas. Period.

The best part? Because we waited for her heart to listen to her head - no one cried. 

Letting her carry the magic a bit longer until she was ready to let it go didn't hurt her or us.

Christmas next year will be a new kind of magic SHE will get to create. 

And won't that be something!

Until next time....

Santa Shop Shenanigans

I accidentally ended up on the PTO board. They called me to see if I wanted to be on it, I asked for more information on the positions, I got a ballot with my name next to Secretary. And here we are. 

Every year the PTO hosts a Santa Shop. A company provides little gifts so kids can shop for their parents and loved ones on their own. It's mostly cheap trinkets but the kids have fun shopping. I do not usually get to help because it's during the school day and also it deals with handling money and that's not my thing. However, yesterday they needed someone last minute and I happened to have time so I got to help for an hour.

The hour was highly entertaining. 

I should note that I do not know how to speak to little kids. I talk to them all like little adults which is why Alice's sass game was ON POINT at 2 years old. For example, I called one of the little kids 'babe' yesterday. She said "babe?" with a look on her face the clearly said 'what is wrong with you?!' Girl, we don't have enough time to cover that.

The kids come in with an envelope of money that has a list of people to buy for and also the amount the envelope contains. The kids come down during their Specials time (music, PE) so they come in groups and it's like herding cats with lots of grabby hands and all the questions. And with the little ones - you have to read everything.

Here are the highlights....

Me: Hi! Who are you shopping for today?

Kid A: My mom, my dad, my sister, my grandma and me.

Me: Okay, who do you want to start with?

Kid A: me!

Me: Yeah, how about we start with mom?

***

Helping a little boy shop for his dad.

Him: I like this trophy, what does it say?

Me: It says #1 Brother. You're not shopping for a brother.

Him: That's fine, my daddy will like it.

***

I have one little girl hand me her envelope and tell me she has $20 so we proceed to spend that $20 only when we open her envelope at the check out - she has $3.25. We had to start all over. 

***

One little girl had a World's Greatest Grandpa magnet she said she was getting for her grandma. I told her they had one for grandma and we could switch it for that one. 

Her: no, I like this one better.

***

I was helping a set of twins shop for their loved ones and they were drifting towards a table with the higher priced items. 

Twin 1: ma'am, can I have this?

Me: No ma'am, it's over your budget.

Twin 1: what's a budget?

Me: girl, nobody knows....

***

One little girl picked up slime for her brother. As she was standing in line, she decided to put it back because her mom doesn't like slime. Bless her!

***

Another little girl bought a dog toy because she wants a dog and is trying to convince her mom to get her one. Her mom also wrote "just let her have fun" on the envelope which made me smile because that mom gets it.

***

I do not usually handle any kind of money transaction. I panic - EVERY TIME. P-A-N-I-C. But this was easy change so in theory it wasn't going to be a problem. I still asked the other adult in the room to check my change because math. She calmly told me just to count up like that makes any more sense to me. Nope. 

It was very entertaining and I hope all the parents have a wonderful sense of humor about what they get to open on Christmas morning. We did try...

Until next time.....

The head, the heart and Santa

Alice's head is telling her all the things her heart doesn't want to hear. 

We knew this was coming. We understood that by fostering this kind of childhood 'magic' we would one day have to answer for it. We made no plans - we decided to handle it when it was time as the questions came up. 

That was foolishness. Let this be a warning to all new parents - RIP the heads off all mythical, magical beings at the same time. Just completely break their heart at one time instead of a slow, continuous break the span of 4 years. 

She's a trisky child and asks these heavy, life-shattering questions when we're compromised and our brains are tired so we answer without thought to deceive preserve the magic of belief.

And she KNOWS. I know she knows but the asking is part of our penance.  

First it was the Fairy. One day over the summer while I was working, she walks into my office and asks "Mom, are fairies real?" Me, distracted, responded with "no." Her "then what about my fairy door!??" Me after a long pause....."okay, I can't think about how to answer this right now, let's revisit it later." 

Then it was the Easter Bunny. Late one night something was being talked about and then she stared us down and asked if the Easter Bunny was real. I took a breath and told the truth. We argued about where the Easter presents came from. She said, "okay, the Easter Bunny isn't real" and we thought we were done. A few days later she said "I wonder what the Easter Bunny is going to bring me this year!" I told her we talked about this and there was no Easter Bunny. To which she responded with "yeah, I know. But he's still going to bring me something." We go over this every Easter even if I've let her pick out what goes in her own Easter basket.

Months later we were playing on the floor of her room when her Dada states "that's because the Tooth Fairy isn't real." My eyebrows jumped to my hairline and Alice's jaw dropped down to her chest. Him "was that not one we went over already?" This was exceptionally entertaining because we got to go over all the times her 'Tooth Fairy' forgot. 

She usually follows up these kinds of chats with "what about Santa!?" and I look at her with all the gentleness I can muster and say "do you want the truth or do you want to sit with it a bit longer?" and she says with devastating seriousness "I want to sit with it" so we move on.

I think her head is getting louder than her heart and all this growing up is unsettling to her. 

The other night while I was taking a shower she wanders into the bathroom with all the Santa questions. 

"Mom, is Santa real?"

Me "do you want to truth?"

Her "no."

After some quiet thinking, "if he's not real, then how does the elf move?"

Me, from the shower "what does your head tell you?"

Her, after a pause "that someone else in the house moves it."

Another pause, "mom, what if kids at school talk about Santa?"

Me "it's probably not going to be what you want to hear."

I peek around the shower curtain and say "when we do finally talk about Santa and it's what you fear it to be, we can still keep the magic for Kayden and Sawyer. We can always make magic." 

By this time I'm crying, obviously. 

Then she circles back to "so, how does the elf move if there is no Santa?"

Me, at the point of enough...."I'm not sure I want to answer that while I'm shaving my legs in the shower. Maybe you should go ask your Dad."

She didn't because it's usually me she wants to trigger into a sobbing mess. 

We'll talk about it again, of this I am SURE.

And my heart tells me she will adjust because the magic will change and SHE will get to move the elf. And I guarantee her elf will do A LOT more than our elf did. 

For now, we'll let her ask the questions she already knows the answers to because holding on to every ounce of her childhood seems to be what she NEEDS right now. She'll accept it eventually but for now, we're going let her heart hold on. 

One day it will come up and I will ask her "do you want the truth or do you want to sit on it for a bit more?" and she will say she wants the truth even though she's known it all along. 

Spoiler alert - I will sob then too. 

Until next time.....

The 9th Year

 Happy birthday, Alice!

Today you are 9.

It has been another year of learning and laughing and growing.

You still curse the Rona even though we did get to have some fun outside of the house this year. 

You got to spend the summer making new friends at Day Camp with the city of La Porte. 

We got to take the first family vacation we've had since your 5th birthday! We spent a few days exploring downtown San Antonio. We stayed in a hotel and did almost every single touristy thing we could. We had so much fun just being together away from the house. We also traumatized you with a Ghost Tour and will probably never hear the end of it. It's okay - it was still fun.

You had the MOST EPIC birthday party ever! Your village came together to play Among Us. We ran all over Nana's house being suspicious and having the best time ever.

We have had another year of making memories.

But I have to be honest, you have had a difficult time with the idea of turning 9. You have had this amazing self awareness that makes you understand this is a major year of growth. You see this as a loss of something young and a turn to something grown and you are not thrilled. You are fighting the idea of getting older tooth and nail. 

I was telling to our friend, Laura, about your dread of growing up and her response was "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." And she's right. 

I sobbed at the end of every major life chapter when faced with a new uncertain one. 

The idea of growing up is daunting and overwhelming. We have shared many talks about how it's evitable and 9 might not be all that terrible. 

You have moments where you slightly agree but mostly you feel like it's all downhill from here. 

This morning you had a minor meltdown. I've tried to stress that it's not that bad; it's just another day. It's not like you have to start paying your own car insurance now! You don't turn 9 and instantly get a mortgage! That's not how this works. 

Kid, it's going to be okay. Growing up is not all that bad.

And no matter what tomorrow brings, you have a village of people who adore you. You will never lack support or encouragement. We will get you through whatever it is you have to deal with. You will not have to face anything alone.

Child, you are loved. Always. 

Love,

Mom and Dad

To My 20 Year Old Self

Girl, brace yourself. 

Today we turned 40.

4!0!

I have been massively wishy washy on this. 

A part of me doesn't think it's a huge deal. It's just a number, who cares! Tomorrow I will feel the same as I did yesterday. I won't be any more grown up. I won't be any more "together." Hopefully, I won't be any less together! 

I'm kinda proud to say "I'm turning 40!" because then everyone looks at me, like "what?! you?!" Yep. Me in my CareBear pants. 40. 

But there's small part that starts doing math and that math equals Alice will be 18 when I turn 50 and then I start to freak out. That feels like a HUGE age difference! She will have so much time left and I want to eventually see my grandkids and then I stress about her being alone and get all emotional and then the wonderful man you married has to talk you down. This happens often. We married good, girl. (Spoiler alert: we TOTALLY married that super polite boy with the nice eyes from our SFA 101: Radio/TV class. I mean, it takes a while, but we get there.)

Then a part of me wants to freak out because I realize I'm not a "grown up" grownup. I still don't have my ish together. I'm not sure if we are where we pictured ourselves being because honestly, I don't remember spending a lot of time thinking about it. Maybe in hindsight that is something I would do different. But probably not. 

I am coming to terms with this not being my Momma's 40. My life trajectory does not resemble hers and most days that feels okay. Most days I feel like I am where I should be and all of my friends are here too. And then some days I freak out because at 40, I probably shouldn't be wearing CareBear pj pants to work. But they're comfy!  

Our emotional state is often set on spin cycle but our Beloved loves us so it's cool.

In the event we get a do over, here are some things I want to tell you. 

* Start taking care of your body right now. I know what you're thinking, "ma'am, I don't gain weight." Hush, child. It's coming..... Start making healthy food choices and for the love of all things holy and sacred, start exercising because one day we will be 5 years past that point of that being important and starting then will SUCK. Real talk.

* Spring of 2019, start saving and hoarding toilet paper, hand sanitizer, masks and cleaning products. Don't ask, just do it. 

* Guarding your heart will sometimes feel silly. You will second guess your decision to not be a little more reckless when it comes to relationships. You will feel the pressure to be a little less cautious. BUT - you are doing the right thing. Our whole heart was meant for our Beloved. And our relationship with him is worth never going back to change a damn thing. Period. If every decision we made led to him, make them again and again and again. Every. Time.

* Budget. Better. So gross. 

* Listen to your heart when it comes to things you question that contradicts the views you were raised on. Start using your voice now. Recognize when things are not just and scream really loud. Commit more time to making the world a better place. Understand that you are not meant to indefinitely make your parents proud. Your responsibility is to fight for a better world for our girl. And if your heart and head are screaming NOOOOOOO to something - LISTEN. The older we get, the divide between what we were taught and what our head tells us gets bigger. You will want to feel torn but you don't have to. It's the catch 22 of raising strong children who can think for themselves. Eventually, they do. And sometimes those thoughts don't match. And that's okay. 

* One day, you will have a terrible boss who will drive you to use terrible words. Try really hard not to because you will eventually let them slip in front of our child and then she will use them. She will use them correctly and a part of you will want to be proud but mostly you will feel shame because that's the correct response. Trust me, I've asked. 

There are probably a ton of other things I should have prioritized to share with you but that's where I am.

Hindsight is a tricky beast. It makes you feel like there are so many things you would go back and change. While a small voice will list them out, a louder voice will scream BUT LOOK WHERE WE ARE!!! 

And where we are is pretty great. 

We have a happy home full of love. 

We have a job doing nothing we went to school for but it's with a fantastic company and it meets our needs while giving us the freedom to wear our pjs to work. GIRL! 

So all that doubt we carry doesn't really matter. 

And maybe turning 40 isn't such a big deal. 

Here's to the next 20.

Love,

T

Until next time.....

To Kill a Betta Fish

In Memory of Blueberry Christie

Yesterday we had to Google "how to humanely euthanize a fish."

In case you were wondering how we were spending the new year - that's where we're at.

Our Betta Blueberry has been sick for a while. We moved him to a larger tank and he did good for a few days and then he spent all his time laying on the rocks. We thought that meant he was close to death so we were going to let nature take its course. We had hard talks with Alice who seemed to think his inevitable demise would mean she could get a hamster. That led to more talks about how we were not going to get her a hamster.

We were sure he was close to death. 

Only this went on for WEEKS. 

We tried adding a friend, we tried adding medicine. We did everything the internet suggested to make him better. And yet he was still doing nothing but laying on the rocks. His color was good! He was just not moving around other than to take a quick breath. 

But yesterday he took a turn for the worse and we just couldn't let him suffer. 

So we had to search how to humanely kill our child's birthday present. 

This kind of stuff isn't in any of the parenting books. I'm going to write a parenting book with all this extra crazy stuff you don't know you need to know. 

My Beloved and I discussed options. Should we proceed with Operation RIPBB while Alice was at school or wait until she got home? I felt like this is a life lesson she needed to be present for so we waited. 

My Beloved ran out for the item we needed and when Alice got home, we let her process what was going to happen. 

And then we killed our fish in a drinking glass in our kitchen. We tell ourselves it was a peaceful way to go but really, who knows?! 

This wasn't really on our plan for Dry January however, it didn't lead to us drinking so there's that. 

Blueberry Christie has been laid to rest in an unmarked grave in our backyard and we have plans to add more fish this weekend. We will pick a more friendly option this time. 

This is the second traumatic pet experience we have had this year but that story is for another day.

A day we're not a house in mourning. 

Until next time....

The 8th Year

Well, kid, here we are again with another birthday letter. It has been a HUGE year and we have a lot to cover.

This might have been the most challenging year yet - not because of you but FOR you. 

Here we go....

The Infestation: For all of your years in childcare/public education, I have been diligent about lice prevention. DI-LI-GENT! I've added Tea Tree oil to your conditioner for at least 4 years and you made it through 4 years of lice outbreaks unscathed....until this year. I was less than diligent and they found you. And then we found them. And then we did family lice treatments. I bought ALL the lice treatments and we used them ALL. Dada did ALL the research and we did every.single.suggestion. I cried with you as I brushed through your hair. We are so sorry. It has been our greatest parenting fail so far and one we will not make again because now we buy specific lice preventative hair conditioner you will use until you leave for college and get to buy your own. Our showers are also equipped with lice treatment shampoo just in case we get a case of the itchies. I use it often. The good news: now when we say we need to check your head - you let us! There's no fighting or screaming, you simply let us. That's growth! The other good news: when I have lice nightmares (which is often) and wake up in the middle of the night in a panic - I don't wake your dad to check my head. And that's growth for me!

The Rona: With March came a pandemic. I never, ever imagined I would have to say that but here we are. We moved to lock down as soon as Spring Break was done and we remained home for the next 183 days. Together. Just us. You were able to spend a handful of days at Nana's but for the most part, it was just me, you and Dada. And let me tell you, we might not be the best of influences and this has been a lot of influential time together. It has been isolating and boring and LOOOONG. You've had to learn to wear a mask and attempt to distance yourself from others. You immediately ask for hand sanitizer when we make it back to the car. You have only been around other kids 3 times since March and those times were limited. We are spending lots of time apart from the people we love in order to keep them and us safe and it STINKS! You did get to see your Papa or Mawmaw for the first time since March this weekend and it was much needed. But you mostly understood how important it was and didn't fuss too much. When we mention we can't do something or we can't see someone, you whisper "corona" all angry like it's a four letter word. It's cute but probably also an example of our questionable influence. The good news: we had lots of time together - just us. We played and fought and avoided pants. We slowed down and stayed still and were just present. We hugged and laughed and yelled. Yelled a lot. So. Much. Togetherness. But we found some sassy masks and we've made it this far. We're still wearing masks but it's old hat now and seems like the norm. It will be weird when the air touches our faces again.

The School At Home: When the pandemic started, so did School At Home. And School At Home is totally lame. We did not enjoy it one bit. It solidified my conviction that I am not a teacher and that your preferred learning style is in a classroom with peers. This was the hardest, most painful part of being stuck at home. The good news: we made it through First Grade. I'm not sure we should have, but we did! 

The Racism: In the midst of all the things, you became more aware of some of the hate we've protected you from. We had heavy conversations about what racism looks like and what it sounds like. We read books and watched Town Hall meetings with Sesame Street. You heard me and your dad talking about it. You asked if we should be talking about in front of you and we said yes. Our job is to protect you. However, our job is also to raise you to be aware and recognize when people are being mistreated, abused, targeted. We want to you to understand when to speak up. We want you to be empowered enough to let someone know when they are being hurtful even if it is someone you love. Our job is to give you the means to use your voice for something better. Our job is to tell you now so you are aware and can call it out for what it is when you see it. You are not too young to be an ally. 

It has been a heavy year but there has been some light!

You have a fish named Blueberry and he's still alive! We did dump out on the floorboard of our car on Christmas day. I managed to scoop him up in the inch of water that remained in the tank. We made it back to Nana's where they were waiting with towels and more water. I'm pretty sure he's forgiven us....

You lost a lot of teeth! None at school though - I'm hoping this is your year. 

You got to go back to school! You have to wear a mask and you have to follow new rules but you don't care. You are so happy to be back and that makes my heart happy. I hope you soak in all the learning.

I hope you look back on this year and think about all the time we spent together. The car picnics. The playing at home. The video calls with far away family and friends. The 'pants optional' summer. The dyed hair and hand drawn tattoos. Some of it was hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything (mostly). The time with each other was precious even when we were yelling and crying.

So Happy Birthday, Alice. I hope this next year is the best one yet (and with WAY less unprecedented times).

Love,

Mom and Dad

Growing Pains

This summer Alice has been attending a kids program at the church she where she attended Mother's Day Out.

She goes about every other week and they get to do all kinds of fun things.

The group is extremely diversified in regards to age and I am pretty confident Alice is one of the youngest and since she doesn't go every week, I think it has been a bit harder to 'get friends'. 

She has come home a few times saying the other kids won't play with her. She is naturally drawn to older kids since that's usually who she is around and preteenish girls don't want to play with a little girl.

And this makes our girl sad.

Which makes this momma heartbroken.

We talk about how we're not meant to be friends with everyone and sometimes older kids don't really want to be around little ones. 

We talk about how it is okay to play on our own as well and not to let anyone get you too down.

She was a little more vocal about issues before we took her this week, I offered to not make her go back but she seems insistent. She only has one week left after this week so she might tough it out.

The kids have a rest period at the end of the day and are allowed to bring in pillows and blankets if they want. Alice has been bringing her beloved Ki-ki with her.

Yesterday she asked me if she could take one of my blankets instead because one of the other girls told her her blanket was a baby blanket.

My heart broke. And then I got irrationally mad and wanted to hunt down a child and punch them in the throat. 

This is her beloved KIKI!! This is the same blanket she told me she plans to give to her kid like I gave her mine before bed the other night. (yeah - this caused ALL THE TEARS!!!!)

And now some dumb kid is making her feel silly for loving it.

I vocalized none of these thoughts and we found a less baby-ish blanket for her to take.

These are tough lessons. 

Tough lessons for her.

Tough lessons for us. 

We cannot fight all her battles.We should not fight all her battles.

She will have to learn and lean and grow and adapt all on her own out in the wild. 

She will come home with a broken heart, hurt feelings and scars.

And we will be there to help her pick up the pieces. To encourage. To guide. To support.

And I will try REALLY hard to not punch people in the throat. 

Growing up is hard. For kids and their adults.

****

She came home yesterday saying she would be taking her Kiki after all.

Me "even though it's a baby blanket?"
Her "It's not a baby blanket! It's a special Kiki Santa made just for me!!"

Ooops.

Me "maybe we shouldn't tell the other kids that - I wouldn't want them to be jealous."

Now I get to stress about when she finds out Santa is a just a big huge lie.......

Until next time......

Childhood vs. Adulthood

We had a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine growing up. I remember it fondly. It lived in the garage on the highest shelf, almost out of sight. In my mind, the snow cones were just so magical! THEY were the definition of summer! The magical wonder that is flavored frozen ice! 

So sure I was of how amazing my experience was that when we found one in the 'vintage toy' section of Toys R Us (gee, thanks, I was totally prepared to be 'vintage') - I talked my Beloved into buying one. Granted we didn't have any kids at the time. But that didn't matter!! One day we would and this would make summer magical!!!! 

Someone posted about the machine on Facebook and I remembered we had one at the top of her closet and thought, 'YES!!! we can do that! Oh the fun!! Oh the memories!!' So I got the box out and prepared for the magic.

Y'all. I think I have completely blocked out any reality of my childhood.

I pull everything out and notice there isn't a plug. Ummm....that's disconcerting. And it took me FOREVER to put the stupid thing together. It is so difficult to put together that I almost gave up, only Alice saw the box so I needed a miracle. Fix it, Jesus! 

You have to practically grate your hand off in order to properly secure the hand crank. 

Yes, my dears. You have to HAND CRANK your snow cone - ONE PIECE OF ICE AT A TIME!!! I do not remember this!! I would NEVER have thought hand cranking anything was magical!! Nope, not one bit!! (As I was relaying my horrible encounter with my precious childhood toy, my Beloved said, "don't you remember the commercial?! They were hand cranking it!" NO I DON'T REMEMBER THE COMMERCIAL!! APPARENTLY I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH OF MY CHILDHOOD!!!)

Because we purchased the item a million years ago, we (mostly my Beloved's influence) felt like the included pack of flavored sugar might be past the point of using. But that's okay! We have apple juice and I could make mine with Dr. Pepper!! (It has been a trying week - a Dr. Pepper slushie would just be delightful.) I fill up the little juice snowman with apple juice and Alice picks it up and shoots juice all over the kitchen. 

By this point, I am completely over ice and snoopy and summer.

I finally get a few ice cubes crushed up and added to the tiny little paper cup that comes with it. I let Alice add the juice and finally convince her it's okay to eat. 'Yum!" she says, and off she goes.

While I'm cleaning up, I hear a 'splat' and an 'uh oh' from the living room. Yep. All that work was now melting all over her toys and the living room floor. Luckily it only amounted to about six thawed ice cubes. I get all that mess cleaned up only she wants more. She didn't get to fully enjoy her delicious treat. This is where Carrie Underwood started singing Jesus, Take the Wheel in my head. 

So back to the grinder I go only with a lot less enthusiasm. I got her a bigger cup, crushed more ice, and sent her on her way with veiled threats of "if you spill it again...."

And then I had a bowl of ice cream because that 'magical memory' just took way too much out of me.

These are things I feel I should express:
1. I already apologize to my mother daily for my childhood, however, that is obviously not enough. I don't remember how many times she hand cranked a snow cone for us but trust me, once was MORE THAN ENOUGH!
2. I now know why it lived on the highest shelf in the garage, almost out of view - ours might live there from now on too.
3. Before I buy anything to replace another beloved childhood memory, I will read the reviews - because I'm an adult and that's what we do. And I obviously cannot believe anything I remember from my younger years.(Except a Mr. T water sprinkler!! That thing was the bomb-diggity!)
4. 30 something years from now, she won't remember my frustration. She'll remember eating a snow cone with her stuffed animals in her pretend pool on the living room floor. And I guess that's what it's all about. 

Until next time.....

A Big Girl Room

She has been growing out of her toddler bed for a while now. It would probably work still if she didn't insist upon sleeping with 11 stuffed toys, her Elsa doll, a sippy cup of water, and a set of slippers. But nonetheless, her feet hang out of her baby bed. 

I was folding clothes on the bigger bed in her room and said, "when you're ready, you could move to this bed if you wanted to."

Her reply, "YAY!! I syeep in Aunt Tami's bed tonight!"

Hold up, kid!! I meant, like, in the future. Not like RIGHTNOW! 

But nope. I had said enough. This was happening. 

And that night, she slept in her big girl bed.

I got a little emotional. 

The next day I was trying to brainstorm how to rearrange her room to make it more accommodating. Moving furniture is how I cope. I moved the bed and planned on removing the glider in her room. 

This she would not agree to.

"That's mines rocker!!!!"

Instead she told me to remove the baby bed. 

This I did not handle well. 

I moved things around until it was obvious that the baby bed would have to go. Enter the feelings. ALL. OF. THEM.

Sadness that this is happening so soon. Didn't she just come home yesterday!?
Guilt that she will most likely be the only one to use it. 
Pride that she is growing. 
Sadness that she is growing so fast. 

Okay, mostly it was sadness. 

So when my Beloved got home, he took down a baby bed.

He got a little emotional too. That made me feel a bit better about him finding me ugly crying with her sheep the night before. 

So now she has a big girl room with no baby bed. 

But she's asked to be rocked for a few minutes every night since. So I guess there's still a little of the baby left. 

As emotional as I get that she's growing, we couldn't be more proud of her. But we wouldn't complain if she slowed down a bit either.....

Until next time....

The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

The Good
Daniel and I started a new diet/workout plan last week. And I am SO proud of us! We are determined!

So far the diet hasn't been very hard and the workouts are actually WORKOUTS. They're only 30 minutes and you switch up which you do every day. I loathe the yoga. LOATHE. I lack the grace and balance needed to execute a yoga move. It's my least favorite. 

We're doing really good! Even when Daniel has to go in early, I workout on my own and he does his 30 minutes when he gets home. We're sticking to the diet which is more about portion control and making sure you're eating the right things. We're trying to make smarter, healthier choices. The challenge has been feeding Alice who thinks brown rice and wheat pasta are the worst tricks we ever played on her. The. Worst. 

In just one week, I was down 5lbs!! I was SO excited! I felt better (sore, but better) and I thought I was looking a little thinner too. I was feeling confident until....

The Bad
Sunday we were at mom's house. An old work friend was coming by to pick up a piece of furniture mom didn't need anymore. We haven't seen each other in years and the first words out of her mouth were, "look at that HUGE belly!"

And just like that - all my good feelings were gone. 

"Nope, it's just fat!"

She felt HORRIBLE and I'm not writing this as a form of further punishment. My intent is not to call her out or make her feel worse. My intent is not to question her friendship or to have you do the same. I had a rough day - this is my outlet. She apologized a million times over and I know still feels horrible about it.

I spent the rest of the day in tears. It's amazing to me how quickly I can crumble when it comes to self worth and self image. I'm such a girl.

I KNOW this is a looooooonnnnngggg process and it's not about the weight as much as it is about being healthy. So this morning, I pushed it extra hard. It was an upper body day. I hope Alice doesn't need picking up. ;) 

Now to the Funny
Months ago, someone on Facebook posted a link about getting free finger print safety kits for your kids. This seems like a responsible thing to do so I clicked on it.

In my defense - it didn't look hinky. It even has a police officer!! There's no asterisk leading to the teeny tiny details you can't see! 

They ask the usual stuff - name, phone number, address. And then they ask to set a time to come to your house. Nope. I'm out.

They eventually start calling. I accidentally answered once and they're very persuasive and THEY ALREADY HAVE MY ADDRESS so I set a time and planned to be out. Worked out great! We had dinner out and we didn't have to listen to whatever they were selling.

All was well.

Until I answered the phone again.

We set another time and planned to be out or just have the lights out. I TELL my Beloved, "That dude with the kit is supposed to be by tonight around 7ish so we need to have the lights out and look like we're not home." Him, "okay."

We eat dinner (stuffed bell peppers) and while I'm prepping other food for the week, he goes out to put air in his tires. I look out the garage door and he has the garage door open and the lights are on. I tell him again, "Daniel, that dude might come by! Close the garage door!" Him,"surely he'll call first and won't just come by."

Ten minutes later, "so Luis is outside, I'm just going to go ahead and bring him in."

Hells bells. 

This kid (he was born in 1990 but wishes he was born in the 80's because he likes that 'older music'. We found out LOTS about Luis) comes in through the garage and kitchen and says, "man! Something smells really good!"
Daniel - "we had stuffed bell peppers for dinner."
Him - "they smell delicious! I haven't eaten all day!"
Awkward me = "do you want one?"
Him - "SURE!"

So I fed him. What else was I supposed to do?! 

He didn't even ask what was in it. Who eats food at a stranger-dangers house without asking what's in it?! He knew NOTHING about us! THIS could be how we lure our victims!! Does no one watch Criminal Minds anymore?! 

Turns out he's selling life insurance only he's a talker and my husband is a talker and it takes about 30 minutes for him to get to the point. He goes through his speech about how we're going to die and wouldn't it be horrible if we were a burden on our loved ones. He mentions funeral/cemetery costs. Daniel says, "she doesn't want a funeral or a cemetery." He asks me what I want. I say, "I'm going to be cremated and put in a Bio Urn. They'll bury me somewhere and I'm going to be a tree."

He had no response for this.

He tried to emphasize that anyone of us could be killed or dismembered at any moment. Such a Debbie Downer.

He talked until almost 9:30. I can't even.

We finally said we'd have to think about it and showed him out. Yeesh. 

We did get a free "safety" kit although we have to do it ourselves. The ad makes you think a responsible authority figure with years of experience finger printing people is going to help you print your unruly child. Nope. Somehow WE have to figure out how to get an unruly, strong willed child to allow us to roll each finger in ink and press to the paper. One. Finger. At. A. Time. Nope.

I'm never answering the phone again.

Until next time....

Sucker Punched

Every Thursday the director at Alice's MDO lets the kids get a sucker from her candy bowl. Most of the time the bowl is in her office and there's someone talking to her so we skip it. It seems rude to interrupt a conversation for a Dum-Dum. No big deal! Alice doesn't know any different. Most of the time I've just woken her up and she's barely aware of what is going on anyway. Honestly, I didn't even know it was a thing until way late last year. And bottom line, she doesn't really need one. 

Last week, we skip it again. No biggie. Like I said, it's not on my radar. It's not a habit so I don't think to go in and grab her a sucker. Most of the time she's halfway asleep in my arms. My priority is to get her in the car with all her stuff. That's it. 

Only the slightly older sister of a girl in Alice's class notices and totally calls me out in the middle of the driveway. 

"Hey, that little girl didn't get a sucker. HEY! Why didn't she get a sucker?! WHY DIDN'T YOU LET HER GET A SUCKER!! MOM! Why didn't her mom get her a sucker?!"

Yeesh. 

It's not like the kids spend all day talking about what color sucker they're going to get. They don't have that many words yet! When she's older and there's more excitement about it, maybe it'll be a big deal. Right now, if she doesn't see it - she does not care.

Until last week. 

Alice asked for a sucker all the way home. 

Thanks, kid. 

Today the candy bowl was on a stool outside of the office so it was easier to notice. I told her to pick one out. It's right at the exit so kids swarm to it and Alice who has her father's "I don't want to be in the way" mentality calmly stands aside until it's her turn. Which takes FOREVER because it's EVERY ONE'S turn. Luckily she finally got to grab a candy.

She dropped it halfway through the store and learned the hard lesson that while most of the time suckers are super sweet - sometimes they just suck. ;)

Until next time....

Nothing good happens before 10am

Let me tell you about our morning yesterday. 

First, let's start with the night before. Wednesday afternoon my sweet friend, Danica and her sweet daughter, Esa came by for a visit. With them they brought all of Esa's old princess gowns. Alice is very in to being a princess right now and they wanted to pass on the fun. She is now the proud owner of dresses for the following princesses: Belle, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Ariel, Aurora (also Elsa from Aunt Kelley) and a cute Dorothy dress. She LOVES them. She doesn't really want to wear them but she loves looking at them.

One had a small spot on it so we gave them all a bath with some Woolite. The Dada rung them out and we hung them to dry in our tub. 

This is what it looks like to be a girl mom. It's glitterific! (Side note: we now have glitter EVERYWHERE. My Beloved loathes glitter - this might break him. Last night he came into the living room and said, "I feel like Ke$ha". It made me laugh. Bless him.)

After Alice went to bed, we moved the drying rack to her bathtub since we wouldn't need it until the next night. 

Now we're to yesterday.

My Beloved had to go in early so I had to take Alice to school. As I was getting ready, she walks in to our bathroom and says, "MY DRESSES!!! 'Ere they go?!" I tell her we moved them to her tub and took her in there to show her. I glance up and in the corner of the tub is the BIGGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN. Instant internal panic. I have tried SO HARD to keep my cool when it comes to roaches for Alice's sake. And it took ALL of my control yesterday. This one wasn't dead or dying. This one was preparing for flight. I can't even.

So I calmly tell Alice there's a bug and we need to back away. I grab her basket of books. I go back fours times to rescue the dresses all while watching the offending creature. Then I grab the can of roach spray only we're almost out and it only sprays a half inch of poison which doesn't reach. Nope. That will NOT do. All it does is make the stupid thing turn around. 

I maintained my calm THE ENTIRE time! That's HUGE, y'all!! H.U.G.E. I tell Alice to stay in my room and I shoot it with the Wasp and Hornet version - it shoots 22ft!! I don't want to have to stand right over a bug to spray it. I want to spray it from around the corner, behind a closed door. What Raid needs is a drone option. Dear Raid - get to work! So I spray it and slam the door. I then spend the rest of the morning process listening to it fly around the bathroom in anger. 

I got Alice dressed and I took her to school. Then I came home and closed the second bathroom door. I debated about rolling up a towel and shoving it under the door to keep anything from escaping, however, that was much too close so I told myself it wouldn't make it out.

All before 9am. 

We spent the remainder of the day treating the guest bathroom like it was surrounded in crime scene tape and jumping at every little strange sound. We were a house under attack. Vigilance is key to survival.

My Beloved gets home and heads in for retrieval and removal. Only he can't find it.

I found it under her step stool in front of the sink. I KNEW it was going to come out! Daniel moved the stool and said, "That is a HUGE roach". SEE!!! I TOLD YOU! He offered to take a picture as proof but then the nasty thing wiggled and I lost my $#*%. "JUST STEP ON IT!!!!!"

So he closed the door and handled it. 

I'm still TERRIFIED but I'm trying to maintain control when Alice is around. A few weeks ago, I handled a few spiders before she got up. (Seriously, they all pop up at once!) So later in the day when I found the dead roach in the corner of the living room, I was done. I just put a yogurt dish over it. A week or so later, we found another dead one in the living room. Alice brought me her yogurt bowl from her play kitchen. Oops. I picked it up like a big girl though. 

I don't want her to be terrified of roaches but I don't want her to love them either. 

Nope.

Until next time......

All for Naught

Today I got an email informing me my certification program will no longer be offered at the school I am currently registered for classes in due to the career no longer being a 'viable career option.' The program I was 4 classes away from finishing. 

And just like that everything we had planned crumbled.

Now I feel like I wasted a year of school on classes I won't ever use or translate to anything I can use. 

Now I have to accept that I will have to work outside of the home. I will have a commute. Alice will go to day care. And that's only IF I can find a job. 

What do I have to offer? Who will hire me?! I've done nothing but chase a toddler around for the last two and half years. 

The doubt and fear is overwhelming. 

How could I have been SO wrong? I was told it was a great opportunity! I felt it was where I needed to focus! 

And now I am lost. 

I'm sad for plans that will never happen. I am heartbroken that a vision we had is no more. Plans we had as a family will have to change. And that breaks my heart. 

I am embarrassed that I was so excited for something that now means nothing. I now have to tell people that I went to school for nothing. Those plans I was so happy to talk about are all over. I should have just kept it all to myself. But that's not who I am. That's not what I did. 

And now I have to tell people I was wrong. And that stinks. I was SO SURE!!! And yet. 

I have to tell people that I'm back to not knowing what I want to do when I grow up. Back to being unsure. 

And that just sucks. 

I'm also mad. Mad for not being advised differently. I'm mad that they weren't going to tell me - I had to ask. 

I'm frustrated because I should have known better. If it sounds to good to be true....

I asked my Beloved if I should avoid blogging about it. He encouraged me to; he said it's my process and it'll help me work through my emotions. And he's right. And he's super supportive and I love him a lot. 

And while the train is derailed for now, hopefully we'll find the right track soon. 

Until then, I'll keep singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider and sharing ice cream with our girl. Hopefully something will make sense soon. 

Until next time.....