Girl, brace yourself.
Today we turned 40.
4!0!
I have been massively wishy washy on this.
A part of me doesn't think it's a huge deal. It's just a number, who cares! Tomorrow I will feel the same as I did yesterday. I won't be any more grown up. I won't be any more "together." Hopefully, I won't be any less together!
I'm kinda proud to say "I'm turning 40!" because then everyone looks at me, like "what?! you?!" Yep. Me in my CareBear pants. 40.
But there's small part that starts doing math and that math equals Alice will be 18 when I turn 50 and then I start to freak out. That feels like a HUGE age difference! She will have so much time left and I want to eventually see my grandkids and then I stress about her being alone and get all emotional and then the wonderful man you married has to talk you down. This happens often. We married good, girl. (Spoiler alert: we TOTALLY married that super polite boy with the nice eyes from our SFA 101: Radio/TV class. I mean, it takes a while, but we get there.)
Then a part of me wants to freak out because I realize I'm not a "grown up" grownup. I still don't have my ish together. I'm not sure if we are where we pictured ourselves being because honestly, I don't remember spending a lot of time thinking about it. Maybe in hindsight that is something I would do different. But probably not.
I am coming to terms with this not being my Momma's 40. My life trajectory does not resemble hers and most days that feels okay. Most days I feel like I am where I should be and all of my friends are here too. And then some days I freak out because at 40, I probably shouldn't be wearing CareBear pj pants to work. But they're comfy!
Our emotional state is often set on spin cycle but our Beloved loves us so it's cool.
In the event we get a do over, here are some things I want to tell you.
* Start taking care of your body right now. I know what you're thinking, "ma'am, I don't gain weight." Hush, child. It's coming..... Start making healthy food choices and for the love of all things holy and sacred, start exercising because one day we will be 5 years past that point of that being important and starting then will SUCK. Real talk.
* Spring of 2019, start saving and hoarding toilet paper, hand sanitizer, masks and cleaning products. Don't ask, just do it.
* Guarding your heart will sometimes feel silly. You will second guess your decision to not be a little more reckless when it comes to relationships. You will feel the pressure to be a little less cautious. BUT - you are doing the right thing. Our whole heart was meant for our Beloved. And our relationship with him is worth never going back to change a damn thing. Period. If every decision we made led to him, make them again and again and again. Every. Time.
* Budget. Better. So gross.
* Listen to your heart when it comes to things you question that contradicts the views you were raised on. Start using your voice now. Recognize when things are not just and scream really loud. Commit more time to making the world a better place. Understand that you are not meant to indefinitely make your parents proud. Your responsibility is to fight for a better world for our girl. And if your heart and head are screaming NOOOOOOO to something - LISTEN. The older we get, the divide between what we were taught and what our head tells us gets bigger. You will want to feel torn but you don't have to. It's the catch 22 of raising strong children who can think for themselves. Eventually, they do. And sometimes those thoughts don't match. And that's okay.
* One day, you will have a terrible boss who will drive you to use terrible words. Try really hard not to because you will eventually let them slip in front of our child and then she will use them. She will use them correctly and a part of you will want to be proud but mostly you will feel shame because that's the correct response. Trust me, I've asked.
There are probably a ton of other things I should have prioritized to share with you but that's where I am.
Hindsight is a tricky beast. It makes you feel like there are so many things you would go back and change. While a small voice will list them out, a louder voice will scream BUT LOOK WHERE WE ARE!!!
And where we are is pretty great.
We have a happy home full of love.
We have a job doing nothing we went to school for but it's with a fantastic company and it meets our needs while giving us the freedom to wear our pjs to work. GIRL!
So all that doubt we carry doesn't really matter.
And maybe turning 40 isn't such a big deal.
Here's to the next 20.
Love,
T
Until next time.....
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