What if there's never a right time?

So it's what happens when you get married, you talk about having kids. We have a lot of friends having babies and it seems like the right thing to do....eventually. But we're not ready. At all. I go through 30 minute spurts of wanting a baby. I pass through the baby aisle and see the cute little clothes and say "aww! I want a baby!" And then I'll pass a screaming child and it's "never mind, I don't want a baby."

I like sleep, a quiet house and I'm horribly selfish. And our floor is covered in dog hair, a crawling child would be subsequently covered in dog hair. That can't possibly be good. Then I'll see something else that makes me think it's a good idea...until I hear the labor story. Then it's a dumb idea. Who wants all that?! The Miracle of Life is completely lost on me. The Miracle of Life is gross.

We don't have jobs conducive to kids. Daniel works late and some days I work 12 hour work days. Who would watch the baby? My mom lives too far to babysit on a daily basis and we can't afford for either of us to stay home. And I'm horribly impatient. What if I'm a horrible mother? What if the baby cries and I don't know why? See - I'm back to thinking it's a bad idea.

How do you know? Do you ever know? Is it just a "jump and see where you land" thing? Shouldn't you have everything planned before you jump?

Having kids is a lot of responsibility and a forever commitment; and it's one I'm not sure I'm ready for. Until the next time I see a cute maternity top and think "aww!! It would be so cute to be pregnant!" How irrational is that?! See, totally not ready.

Until next time....