Visits with Dad

Mom and I had some "wedding errands" to run today and on our way home we stopped by the cemetery to "visit" dad. I find it silly people take pilgrimages to a plot of dirt to feel close to their loved one. And mom doesn't feel closer to him, she just likes to go out there and dust off his stone and pick up all the beer bottles left by his motorcycle buddies. They visit him more often, they must have loved him more. :) We dust him off, make jokes and then leave. We don't dwell. We don't plan weekly visits. We don't regularly decorate his plot for the upcoming holiday (seriously, that BAFFLES me). I walk around and look at the other plots and I'm just mesmerized. I'm always fascinated by how people grieve. Tami lost a friend several years ago and every year on her birthday they have a BBQ on her grave site. That just seems strange. Don't they know she's not there? Don't they know she can be wherever they are? I don't get it. But they probably think the fact we don't host massive parties on top of my father is strange too. To each his own. People will do whatever it takes to keep going. Every ritual is just a way to get through. And that's something I have to respect.

My grandmother and I have the "cremation" debate often. I want to be cremated and spread somewhere of importance to me. She however wants to know "where to visit me" and thinks I should be buried in a cemetery like everyone else. So we've reached a compromise: she's going to go first. :) That way she won't have to deal with my "crazy" notions. I'm sure these kinds of conversations are not normal but normality is not something we are familiar with. :)

And as the wedding approaches, the harder it gets. It will be 10 years next year since he died but right now would be a good time for him to be here. The fact that he is missing all of this breaks my heart. The fact that mom will have to go through this alone makes me sad. He should be here darn it! But he's not. So I'll do my crying now and take solace in the fact that somewhere he's watching. And he's proud. I'm thankful his friends will be there on our wedding day to not only to support us but to stand in Daddy's place. And he's going to be so mad he's missing such an awesome party! :)