A Mermaid, The Muppets, and Me

Let me start by saying that last week I *might* have been a bit on the emotional side. I wasn't feeling well, I had cramps, my computer had eaten my sister's guest list, and I was watching Parenthood so I was a complete basket case. Going into this story, it's important to understand that I was already on a downward slope.

So Wednesday, my Beloved had a huge event at his school. I knew Alice and I didn't have any errands so I just threw on whatever I grabbed from my closet which happened to be my Muppet's shirt. You know, the one where they're walking across a street like the Beatles album cover? That one. 

Around 4ish, Daniel calls and asks if I could bring him my easel and a picture frame because he needs to display directional signs. Sure! So I fight to get the kid in the car. She feels that now that she is 4, it's completely reasonable for her to stay on her own. So the battle was loud. Very loud. Which ended with her saying, "PINE!! I'll put my shoes on! Uggghhhh!" like she's 14. Y'all, 4 is lame. I'm not going to make it. 

I get everything in the car and we head to the school. We get there and start working on this sign in my Beloved's office. My hair is a mess, I'm dressed like a student, I might have eaten a few chocolate pumpkins and therefore smelled liked chocolate, I'm cranky, and I'm feeling a little self conscious. 

And in walks this beautifully dressed, red headed young woman who says, "Hi, I'm Ariel. I think you were looking for me?" (Seriously, she said her name was Ariel and I almost said, "well, of course it is.") She was just so put together! Her hair was long and beautiful and done, like she had time to do it! And her make up was flawless, like she knew how to do it! She was dressed all professional with that look that said, "I'm really busy and important." 

And I'm wearing a Muppet shirt with messy hair and chocolate on my hands. 

It's just what I needed to completely crush my spirit. 

I'm a mess. And there's this whole world out there that is put together. 

These feelings have nothing to do with my Beloved's feelings towards me. 

These feelings have EVERYTHING to do with MY insecurities. My feelings of inadequacy. My self doubt. And it amazes me how easily those thoughts creep in and completely take over, even at 35 years old. Being a girl is dumb sometimes. 

Sometimes the "I'm a mom" job description is discouraging. It shouldn't be! And most days it isn't! But some days it is. Some days when I'm extremely self conscious, I miss my past life. I miss office drama. I miss shoot days. I miss being a part of something 'important'. I miss putting on real clothes and worrying about my appearance. 

I KNOW Alice is THE most important thing ever. My 'mom job' is the most rewarding, is the most important, is where I need to be. And my Beloved sees and appreciates everything I do. 

But sometimes I feel kind of small even when I know it's ALL in my head. 

I got home and called my sister who laughed in hysterics at my meltdown. Everyone should have someone who will laugh at their crazy. It helps! When I know in my heart I am being absolutely ridiculous but my head is dead-set on being irrational, it helps to have someone on the outside recognize it for what it is and hit the reset button. 

By the time my Beloved got home, I was mostly calmed down. When I mentioned the Red Headed Goddess, he said, "she had red hair?" And he meant it because his observation skills are sketchy. And even when my self doubt creeps in, he sees me first. I went on to say, "yes! She walked in, said 'Hi, I'm Ariel. Aahhhhhhahhhhhh! (like Ariel, the mermaid sings)". He said, "Okay, I KNOW she didn't sing!"

She didn't. But that's basically how I remember it. She walked in, her hair started magically blowing around her face like Beyonce, and she started singing. I swear! ;)

I've calmed down. I've settled. And now Ariel is being added to the Alien girlfriend and the Russian Bride. 

I'm thankful my Beloved loves me, messy hair, random hysterics, and all. 

Until next time.....